Josephshalom

Loss (1)

2010-02-24T09:45:00.003+08:00

Yesterday, when I was in prayer meeting, I saw two young people expressing their love for God in their worship and I was moved by what I have seen. It caused me to reflect deep within myself and it reminded me that I too was like them in my youth, worshipping wholeheartedly, focusing only Him.

In my youth, I had cherished two deepest desires within my heart and I had been praying for them every single day for the next 10 years. 15 years later, they have come into fruition but not in the way that I have expected.

The first one was that I have always prayed that I would be found worthy to serve Him in the mission field and the process was long, tedious and sometimes it filled my heart with great anxiety especially when I felt that this particular door was closed to me. I applied to study in a seminary as soon as I was able to free myself from my father's expectations and when I have completed my National Service. There were times when my funds were running low to pay for my studies, for my food that I turned to the Lord and to my family for some financial assistance as my father would not pay for something he deemed as useless. It was exactly at these times that the Lord provided for all of my needs and I could only show my gratitude by remembering of all the good that the Lord has done for me.

When I have completed my theological studies, I thought to apply directly as a mission intern to my church and I thought that God would surely have prepared a place for me by this time. Alas, to my disappointment and discouragement, the mission pastor told me that there was no place for me in their mission field and that it would be better for me to seek a job elsewhere. To me, it was an utter bombshell as I thought that my long cherished dream of being able to serve God in a foreign land would come to fruition but it was not to be. I spent that year in utter dejection, many times crying out to God, whether I have heard Him clearly in His calling of me to be His servant to many nations.

However, God was and still is gracious to me that He opened a door for me in Kazakhstan. I was so happy and yet also frightened as I did not know where God was leading me at that time and I made many good friends and saw the grace, power and love of God in that country. I was powerfully moved when I saw many people praying for Central Asia, that they cried out to God with such a loud voice, groaning and praying with such a powerful force, that all they ever wanted was that God uses their nation to touch many people, many nations in the Central Asia for Him. I believe with all my heart, even now that God will touch the nation of Kazakhstan in a very powerful manner and I want to be there to witness His love, His power outpouring into this nation.

Yet, it was also this nation that has taught me about betrayal, mistrust as well as shaking my very foundations of the goodness of God. I felt myself to be so undeserving of the Grace of God, that no one could ever understand what I am feeling and why I am feeling in such a terrible way. My friends each have their opinion and that made me feel even more condemned and it leaves me wondering whether I am a strong Christian as I thought I was all along and it made me feel even more condemned, by my friends and most of all, by myself. It leads me to a point that I am willing to give up their friendship, and most of all, I want them to leave me alone, just leave me alone and I want that peace but it eluded me.

I tried to go out of the country, Malaysia by January, China by March, Cambodia by April as I tried to seek the peace and the direction of which way I should go. I felt like a zombie, no longer knowing where I shall go, no longer caring whether I have friends and that it was good to be alone, away from the pressures of my life, such as Kazakhstan, the church, family, cousins with all their woes and pressures.

To think about it, I had so much hope and expectations for Kazakhstan but now, it has become a pressure point for me that I am stressed to go back. What a joke! At first, I have so much hope for this land but now, it is just like a pleasant dream that I have awakened, that everything has gone like a wisp of smoke.

This has been something that I have been waiting for a long time only to end up in disappointment, discouragement but I still have a tiny hope that God will do something in this land.

I see this as a loss as part 1 and I will continue to write loss part 2 in another time as I have written long enough.

Tired so tired

2009-12-02T09:01:00.002+08:00

It has almost been a year when the whole thing started but I am still feeling its aftereffects and its impact on me. When I went to my field, I was embittered and ashamed of myself and I was never happy there though there are a few highlights in this year like the China trip, the Singaporean team plus the Korean team.

However, when August arrived at the corner, I felt stressed continuously as it was the month when the whole thing started. I experienced nightmares on a regular basis and I was very easily irritated and sadness overwhelmed my heart. I grieved over the divorce of my cousin and her husband, I had no energy to work and I was no longer interested in anything that even when my Chinese fellowship group people ceased to come, I would make no effort to contact them. In fact, I knew not what I have done in this year except sadness, stress and rage within my heart.

It grew to be really bad that I no longer felt any joy in coming to Sunday services and Tuesday Prayer Meetings. My spirit was dying and I felt like dying everyday. It was my prayer that My Lord and My God would take me home, that I would not live on in this world. Even if I do not live in a mansion in the heavenly realms, even if I could only glimpse my Lord and my God, I would be contented and I only ask to be His gatekeeper, His sweeper if He would just take me home. I felt bitter continuously and I no longer has any joy and how I wanted to be able to cry but no tears would come and what is left is a gaping hole in my heart. That feeling was terrible to experience and I do not want to experience it again.

It grew to be so bad that my mentor in my field decided to send me back. I was really heartbroken because I felt like a football that was being kicked away, that I was not really contributing to anything here and so, I was being sent home. I understood her well-meaning intentions but I could not deny the negative feelings that I was feeling.

At that very point, I felt totally useless and I was so ashamed of myself as a worker for Him that I no longer dared to approach Him as a son when there was a time where I would fearlessly go before Him, making known of all my petitions and requests to Him. Now, I no longer dared to go before Him for I have failed Him, the One who I love the most, my very life and I have thought within myself, that I would not fail Him ever in my life. He deserves my very best but yet, I have failed Him.

I have never felt like a failure before for I always tried my best to make it happen. However, there is nothing for me to remedy, no course of action for me to repair except to come humbly before my Lord and say softly that I am sorry for the things I have done. However, I don't dare to face Him, nor would I ever stand proudly before Him again.

I was happy to come home to my family and friends and yet, that sense of shame has never left me and sometimes leave me trembling with grief and anger. At times, I even do not feel like attending prayer meetings and services and the struggle that I had within myself, to stop myself from disrupting the service and the rage I felt so much from within, caused me to feel so tired. When I knew I was about to meet my Lord, I turned away for I don't dare to see Him.

O what a wreck that I am now! I would never believe that I could sink to such a state and it made me wonder about my spiritual life. If I am as close to God as I like to believe myself to be, then I should be an over comer in spite of so many challenges that sought to oppress me but no, I was a failure, an utter deject in my eyes.

These were my thoughts nowadays and I could barely write more. I am so tired, so tired so tired.......

Grace is enough

2009-06-11T21:51:00.003+08:00

I can boast to many works
Done out of insecurity?
And credit many conversations
to my immaturity
And while I'm misunderstood
You are understanding me
And showing me how grace is enough

For everything that I've done right
seems like a thousand I've done wrong
and I keep on losing count
of all the times my flesh has won
And when the light of Christ that's in me
is overshadowed by the fall
You're showing me how grace is enough

When I feel unworthy
And so undeserving?

Still I can come just as I am
For I find Your love is free of condition
So I will run to Your wide open arms
When I am accepted and I am forgiven
Grace is enough for me
Your grace is enough for me

I've been quick at passing judgments
when I'm worthy of convictions
And at times I've measured virtue
only based on my religion
But theology it seems is not the thing that's saving me
You are showing me a grace that's enough

Though I was blind now I see
Sweet is the sound of Your grace over me
You said it all on the cross
Your grace goes beyond all that I've done

When I feel unworthy and so undeserving
You love me beyond all my failing and hurting

It's not who I am
But who I can be
And I know You are worthy
Your purpose in me

by Don Moen

When I heard this song for the first time, it strangely moved my heart for I identified myself with the lyrics. This is the first time ever in my lie that I feel that the Lord, my Father was telling me that His grace is enough for me.

In the past, not so long ago, I was telling God that Lord I want to see Your power at work in this mission field where I am right now. I also want to see a new work in my life, my relationship and my ministry from You. I can see Your grace at work in my life but I want something more than just Your grace. I want to see Your power, Your miracles, Your glory unfolding in this place and I believe that there is something more than this and I want all of them not just only Your grace unfolding in my life and in this place even right now.

In my secret heart, I am longing for His approval in the things that I am doing here and after what I have done in Shymkent so foolishly, I longed for His approval even more. I felt I was unworthy to serve Him and I have condemned myself so many times for that fateful mistake. I could not forgive myself and neither do I have the strength nor the desire in my heart to forgive him.

As a result, two people told me that they felt that I was striving for approval, that I just went along with the decision made by others and that I myself did not have any opinions about it. One told me that from young till now, I was not given a chance to make my own decisions or that my decisions were often ridiculed by others. That was probably why I shyed from making decisions at all, for fear of making a mistake and bearing responsibility of that decision. The other told me that she could see two Josephs in me, that there is a Joseph, who is very confident, who has the desire to serve God and others, who is wise and secure in his being, the man that God has made him to be. The other Joseph was very insecure in himself, and he was always looking for approval and he did the things that others have tasked him, just because he was looking for affirmation. He did not know his own identity and that he was already approved by God and that God loves him very much and that He has already affirmed him.

Thus the advice that this sister gave me was to control the small Joseph and let the big Joseph rise up to take the mantle that God has already given him. Then this song hits me so powerfully that God's grace is more than enough for me, that I should not live for the peoples' approval and their expectations. God has already approved me and that I should live to be the man that God has already intended for me and He has started working that out in me. I cannot be the man that others wanted and expected me to be but I will be the man that God has intended in me. They will not determine the changes in me but God should be the only one who determines that in me.

Thus, this song moves my heart so strongly, that whatever mistakes I may make and I will bear these consequences, but God's grace is more than enough for me and He will never rejects nor forsake me even when I make grievous mistakes. Then how could I not want to live a pleasing life for Him who loves me so much? Therefore I thank you my Lord and my God for loving me.

Abraham on Mount Moriah

2009-04-29T17:59:00.002+08:00

It has been so long since I have updated my blog and a lot of things have happened. It seems to me a snowball has been descending rapidly towards me, growing bigger and bigger towards me, until it enveloped me with its cold fingers, that I could no longer breath or cry for help or for any other matters. I felt such dismay, such pain that I felt that no one would ever understand. It came to the point that I felt that sharing this to my close relatives and friends would not help matters. My only refuge is my Father but there are many times that I feel, that the more I pray for these situations, the situations seem to be get worse with each passing day, that I felt a pain in my heart on every new day.

When I first came to Kazakhstan, I felt so much hope and wonders in my life. I felt like there were stars in my eyes and I could not wait to explore all the possibilities that God has given unto me. The new friends I have made, my long-cherished love and dream seemed to be ready to be awakened and that it would be a reality to me, my desires for Yvonne and Marianda to discover the reality of God seems to be realised and many others but now, all seemed to vanish into a puff of wind.

I am still griping over my personal failure and I felt as if I am on the Mount Moriah, giving all my hopes, dreams, desires upon that altar, with no hope that they will ever be returned to me. It was like if they are placed on that altar, it is gone forever, never to return and all that is left to me is a man with no hopes, no desires and nothing to look forward to. I wonder what that might have been like for Abraham.

Abraham has been waiting for 100 years for his promised son from God. God gave him many grand promises, that He would prosper him, that Abraham would be a father of many nations, and that God will give him a land of his own, that everyone who blesses Abraham will be blessed and whoever curses Abraham will be cursed. Abraham believed God and set out and he never once looked back in his youth. Now when he was old, he had nothing in his name except his riches. He did not even have the land to bury Sarah, his beloved wife, in a land that was supposed to be given to him. He did not even have many sons and the only promised son was about to be taken away from him, when God told him that He was to sacrifice Isaac on Mount Moriah. All that he has ever waited for and given by God, seems to be in that one moment to be taken away from him, his hope and his only desire.

How terribly painful that must have been, how terribly heartbreaking Abraham would have felt. I too felt as if my heart would break because of the many situations that I felt so hopeless that I myself did not even have the strength to pray. I only have two desires in my life and that is to serve Him to the best of my ability and the girl whom I love very much. However, in regards to these two desires, I felt so lacking as a worker and as a friend.

I felt that I was doing rather well as a servant of the Lord until the day, I have unwittingly mistrusted one of my brothers who have betrayed me. I still felt shame and berated myself for being so stupid, as to trust him. I have failed Him, my church and myself and I no longer dared to call myself as a servant of the Lord, because of what I have done. Yes, I may have done many good works but that one mistake has already cancelled of all that I can ever do and will ever do for Him. The pain and the shame that lingered with it seemed more than I could ever bear but God is still here.

As for the girl, there are so many hopes within me and to see that dying off slowly was very painful and the only emotion that I feel is only pain and heart break. I have failed her both in words and in actions that I no longer know what to do. I too failed as a friend and even though we may have some good time in Australia, still, I feel insecure and lost. Her words to me, I have always taken so personally and though there seemed to be more downs and ups, I still love her and always cherished her, believing that God is the One who has given her to me until at this moment, when I felt that God is asking me to put my dreams on Mount Moriah.

How I trembled when I heard that fateful words. How I felt that my heart would break into two. How I feared that my dreams will not become a reality and that it will be gone as a wind. Yes, I do know the end result for Abraham but nonetheless, it is still and always will be painful for Abraham and for me. I do pray that God's strength to be upon me and I pray that I will just commit it to the Lord for I no longer can do anything more.

Even if there is no more hope or no more back door, still I will put my trust in You and in You only. Hear my cry and my heart, I pray. Unto Your hands, I commit all that I am unto You.

Does it matters?

2009-01-16T15:53:00.002+08:00

After one year has gone and Year 2009 has arrived, I did an evaluation of my life for the past year and I could only wonder at the amazing things that God has done for me in the midst of my deepest disappointments, anger, resentments and the utter sense of being the failure in terms of a worker and in my personal matters. It was ironic that at the same time last year, that I was full of hopes, so eager to embark on a new ground, working with a new team in this country, relationship promising to blossom and everything was looking so rosy and so full of promises that I was looking forward for a great time of ministry and service to the One whom I will always love and adore.

However, a different picture awaited me in the field. I felt so utterly alone and all my hopes seemed to have vanished like a wind. The workers have all quit and the school closed down and I felt suddenly slapped with sudden reality. There was nothing for me to look forward to but to sell the property and to move to another city as soon as possible. I did not have any language nor do I have any close community with me. One brother who was disciplined by the Church last year came to me, seemingly showing fruits of repentance but inward full of desires that sought to consume me, came to me. He spoke passably English and he just wanted to be my friend, asking me for advice and taking care of me. Thus, my guard was lessened and I trusted him slowly but cautiously and at the end, I made a serious mistake which I would have to bear it for the rest of my life.

That brother wanted to buy the property and he asked me for the papers on the day I just reached home after a tiring 14 hours train ride. I was not suspicious but I passed him the papers but he went to do something with it, this making it difficult for me to sell the property. He knew that I have been praying for the smooth sale of property but he did things behind me and has betrayed my trust. In my entire life, I have never felt so much as a failure as I would on that day and still feeling. I have failed to be a faithful steward of the Church, losing the responsibility and the credibility before others and more importantly in my own eyes. At that point, everything seemed to stop and for two whole months, the pressure, the hurts, the murderous heart to kill that brother, the shame, the need to cry but can't overwhelmed my heart.

Even with such an overwhelming negative emotion, I did not and would not consider to change to another country to work for I believe that our Father would greatly bless this country but I fear that I would not see it with my own eyes. Does it matter after so many negative things that happened to me time and again? It matters and it hurts so much, emotions that I have never experienced, shame, disappointments and crushing disappointments. Then as if this is not enough, the tensions between my family members and the girl whom I loved, erupted almost on the same day, carved my heart open to wounds already inflicted. I was so tired and so weary that I have no more strength to absorb any more attacks.

At the end, I asked myself this question that does it matter to me after so many attacks, attacks that threaten to lay me low, in this country and back home? It matters and it hurts so much but can I let go of this pain? I want to but can't and no one will understand how I feel. it is not so easy to say let go and you can do it when I have been betrayed, found by myself as a man lacking credibility and failing as a steward and as a friend. All this happened in this year seemed to dash the hopes of a young man embarking on an adventure. Who can understand except Him alone? Who can comfort but Him alone? Why it have to be so painful? No one but Him alone can answer because He has gone through what I have gone through and even worse.

Thus, I choose to focus on the promises and the calling that He has placed upon my life. All other things should pale and must pale besides Him and I choose to forget what lies behind and focus forward on the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus. Should I have hope? yes because of who He is and so for this 2009, I pray that God will give me the strength to meet greater challengesthat this year will bring. Thank You for always being there for me and that is the reason why it keeps me going, more than anything else.

New Doors, New Opportunities, New Challenges

2008-10-15T15:49:00.002+08:00

Ever since arriving to a new city and a new environment, working with a foreign countryman, starting school all over again, learning language and ministry, can make one feel really fulfilled and tired. There are so many thoughts in my mind that I do not know where to start but I shall do my best because I want to give all glory to My Father who art in Heaven for he deserves my thanks and my life.

I have started school since September and on the whole, school was pretty good and I have made some new friends who came mainly from China. They seemed amazed at my ability to speak two different languages and they are very curious about Singapore. Thus, I shared about my life to them and we spent quite an enjoyable time together. There was also a Japanese man who was able to speak English relatively well and the funny thing was that we did not talk to each other in English but Russian as we want to brush up on our new language skills. Thus we practise our language with one another whenever we met up during the breaks.

Our Father has also opened new doors of opportunity for me to share about Him to them. Some of the students wanted to study in the Economic Faculty of the local University and they have asked me to teach them English as English is one of the important subject to be studied in that university. I agreed and I used the Word as my text. To my joy, one Chinese girl enjoyed reading the Word and she asked really perceptive questions and that she can see her language improving by leaps and bounds. What made me really joyful was that she thirsted to know our Father and there are many opportunities to share with her the Good News and that she was really touched by the love of our Father that He has for her.

I asked her about the value of her life and who gave her that value and she does not know. I told her rather firmly that our value do not derive from anyone and certainly not from ourselves but from Our Father who value us so much that He actually gave His Son to die for us. As we were talking, she wept and felt really touched for she felt that throughout her life, no on has ever loved her, has properly shown concern for her and that she thought her parents do not even love her because when she told them she was going to this country to study for her degree, she thought that her parents would at least dissuade her from going. In fact they did nothing and she felt rather hurt and she left for this country.

Upon coming here, she felt very loved by a stranger who treated her so well and that pushed her to want to know the reason for this love of hers. They shared a different language and none can speak each other's native language but to this little Chinese girl, she felt the love of the other to be so heart-warming and so genuine and she was deeply touched by it. Then she got to know me who is able to speak her native language and I was able to pinpoint her to our Father and she wants to know Him in her own way and she comes to realise that her parents actually loves her very much. Now she has finished the whole Gospel of Matthew and she is now starting the Gospel of Mark and she was very interested to know more.

Thus it was my joy and pleasure to follow up on her. Then our Father gave me another one in my lap and this time, also a Chinese male. He expressed his desire to visit a fellowship and I brought him to mine. He enjoyed it very much and he too in his turn, wanted to learn English from me. Just as I have done with the Chinese girl, I did to him and he seems to enjoy his lessons as well. His Russian was pretty good and he enjoys the worship songs and he always sing at the loudest of his voice though he has not committed his life to our Father and the Son. I marvelled at the love of our Father that He has shown towards these Chinese and to me and I pray that I will prove to be a faithful steward of what He has given me.

The new challenges that await me naturally is my Russian Language and that I will want to master it well so as to communicate with the locals. I pray that as there is a great influx of chinese students, whomever our Father has brought to me, I pray that I will be faithful in accomplishing the work which God has given me. It is truly exciting to be working for the family business, which is what I always wanted and I feel really blessed. I pray that you too will be blessed in doing what you desired.

The paradoxical side of Love

2008-05-30T12:48:00.001+08:00

At this particular moment, I am contemplating of the meaning of love and what does it signify? I think throughout the ages, this question is not new nor is it something to get excited. People have been searching for love, true love and our hearts are pleasantly touched when we see good endings in the fairy tale stories and that those who are truly in love will live happily till the end of their lives.

However, at this modern pace of life, I think the good old fashioned love has slowly eroded and now, we do not even recognise of what it is anymore. We can change our affections and seek for new love when our love for the spouses have faded and that, there is nothing we can look forward to. We want to find some excitement in our relationships, a spark to keep it going but no matter how hard we try, how hard we put in our effort, that mysterious spark seem to disappear and it looked like we would never got hold of it. Then we may take the two choices that are left to us and that is to give up or to quietly bear with it and forget that the spark has ever appeared in our lives.

Personally, I feel that we do not really know how to love or rather to nurture the love that we feel for our loved ones. We take them for granted, expecting them to be there for us when we need them and chuck them aside when we do not need them. On reflection, I think that is what all of us tend to treat God at one point or another time in our lives. Yet, God has not left us and we truly deserved to be abandoned, ignored because of our selfishness and the desire for personal fulfillment. He loves us so much that even if we have hurt Him so much, we do not want to spend time with Him and definitely, we do not even want to talk to Him and listen to His voice and follow His will that He has for our lives, that will not change His love for us. If our loved ones did that to us the way we treated God, very soon, we will not love them anymore, or at least not as much as we have loved them as in the beginning.

Every quarrel, every upset, every cold war and harsh words will draw away our love for each other until we are left with great disappointment, discouragement and little hopes and expeactations for each other. Then, we would rethink our commitment for one another and also, whether we have made the wrong choice at all in the first place. That is not so with God. God loves us and He must have known at the end, that some will spit at Him, some will stamp on His broken body, angry at Him, disgraced by Him and to leave Him alone. Yet, that does not change the fact of the statement, so poignant, that He loves us so strong that He gave His son for us. Not because we are so good, not because we deserve His love but simply because He chooses to love us and have mercy on us. That is true love that all of us have been searching for.

Love can be so fragile that it can easily be broken, yet
Love can be tough too that it can stand firm in the midst of the storms.
Love can grow so cold that it will be not be aroused for anything, yet
Love can also be so passionate that it can consume everything
Love can be hardened to protect oneself from the hurts in one's life, yet
Love can be tender to those and how beautiful will that be.

Love is indeed paradoxical and I think the way to love is to follow our Father's example and that we can indeed day on that blessed day to our loved ones, "For better, or for worse, for health and for sicknesses, till death do we part." That should be our commitment to one another and that we are in this relationship because we choose to be and that we will be committed to nurture this love between us that it will grow to be a strong and fruitful tree. The thought of changing our affections should not even cross in our minds because of the commitment we shared. I love you for who you are and no matter what we say to another in our upsetting times, we may feel hurt and angry with one another but that will not change our love for one another.

Maybe I am hopeless in trying to understand the concept of love and maybe I am naive in my thoughts about love but one thing I strive to do and will always try to do is to follow the example of my Father and our Lord Jesus Christ. May He showers me grace that I will prove the worth of my words.

The paradoxical side of Love

2008-05-30T12:48:00.000+08:00

Head Knowledge or Heart Knowledge that the Lord is good?

2008-05-09T14:48:00.000+08:00

It has been quite some time since I have updated my blog and since I have some free time, I think I will better write down all the blessings that God has blessed me through and all my trials and troubles. Heez.

I have been thinking about the distinction of the two knowledges that we could have towards God: One is from an academic point of view and what we could derive from the Bible and the other is the experiential touch of the Lord in our hearts and make us feel so loved, that we could truly feel that He loves us. I believe that both are important but to me, I feel that a personal touch of the Lord makes all the differences between staying in my faith and giving up following Him.

This is my reason for thinking in this way when I reflect on my situation so far in a foreign country and other cultural differences:

There are times when things have been rather unpleasant and there are times when I wonder what I am doing over here that I feel like going home and reconsider things over. Yet, if not for the Lord's personal Word to me, I would have left and would have change to another mission field where I believe I will not feel so lonely and so helpless. Yes, all my Bible studies and theological knowledge told me that God is there for me, with me and will always take care of me or there are times when I said the same words to people who are feeling down, discouraged and exhausted. Don't give up, perserver on for God has not left you and that He will always take care of you.

Such words can become meaningless when we have not tasted the reality of the Goodness of the Lord. It can be meaningless to me if I have not heard the promises of the Lord in my heart and His promptings on my soul. It is that I have tasted the Goodness of the Lord that these words have a life on their own and can be relevant in our lives. God is good and He is indeed good because i have tasted and see it for myself.

I have been cheated by the taxi-driver when I first came to this country, frustrated by the greed of the local worker and subsequent "betrayal" by him and his constant questioning of me about my ministry of what I want to do. It can be so draining and tiring because to hold back one's anger and to talk reasonably and to express sympathy to him because of his hurts and disappointments in life can make me uncommunicative and retreat to my own room in silence and find refuge there.

In times like this, I can feel so discouraged because I have seen the work of the Lord doing in that worker's life and to see him being torn into two parts can be so difficult. I tried using Scriptures to encourage him but it's not working and that he may feel that I do not understand his situation and I fail to reason with him. He too knows the Scriptures and that God is His provider but he fails to trust in Him and is always trying within his means to make things work better in his situation and to keep on failing can be a serious blow to his ego and pride.

As I have said earlier, I believe in the promises of God and I have felt His hand upon me that kept me going in spite of all these discouragements. God has opened a door for me to build a better relationship with a local student. He is a seeker and he expresses his interest in wanting to know more about God and I gladly share with him of what I know. He loves to come to the centre to listen to uplifting songs and hymns and he is especially touched when I explained John 3:16 in great details about the love of God. He also would like me to baptise him when he decide to make his faith known. To me, that is a great honor and privilege and I was really touched by his request.

I was also touched by God's grace upon my life when his brother came to me on the second night after he came back from another city. His brother told me that he saw me as an older brother and that it is his desire to see me as soon as possible. They came with their cousins and we shared on the topic of love and my opinion and principle in a relationship. They like my definition of love and I was hoping to introduce on the love of God slowly into the topic for the next time and I pray that God too would open a door for me in this area.

Indeed the words of the Lord always prove true and that it will not return void to Him. That is my hope and my belief that God will make this country as the Antioch of C.A and that we will see the glory of the Lord pouring so strongly in this place and that it will flow through to other nations. I count myself most privileged to be able to partake of it and that you will be blessed to be a blessing to others too. Do not just strive to have a head knowledge of God but to really know Him of who He is. I want to invite you to "taste and see that the Lord is good" (Psalm 34:8).

Feelings of Wonder

2008-03-29T15:33:00.003+08:00

This should be my third time to Kazakhstan and by this time, I should be adjusted to the place and culture by now but strangely it was not so, and I now experience my first culture shock surprisingly enough.

This trip was so much different from the other two trips that I have made earlier last year because on my two previous trips, there were people with me, to cushion off the loneliness such as Andy and Yanhui plus the local staff over there and thus, I always enjoyed my first two trips there but this time round, I am all alone as there are no people with me and that the local staff have all quit, one by one and thus, I am left alone, all by myself. Yet even at such a time as this, God remains faithful and that He is always by my side and that He preserves and takes good care of me even when I think I am alone, yet His presence is always there with me and what more could I ask and expect more for if God is with me, who can be against me?

I could only rely on the grace of God and no one else for my time here in Kazakhstan. Yes, I do experience loneliness and certainly, I do experience times of homesickness and missing my loved ones and yet, it was at this time that God's presence surrounds me and that I would not trade anything for such a time as this because I cannot rely on anyone else but only on the grace of God for only His grace can pull me through in this difficult time.

What keeps me going at this point is only because of His promises to me and the things He has shown me. I could catch a glimpse of why Abraham continues to believe in God even when the odds against him is so great and the obstacles to his faith are so many and yet he perservers on because he sees God as the ONE who is just and fiathful and whose words will not return to Him void and for the same reason, I must press on no matter what happens for He is faithful to me and how could I remain faithless to him? That will not do at all and so I will rely on Him, day by day and hour by hour for I really do need Him.

May I have happy news to write till next time. God bless and do take care.

Do I Trust You Lord

2008-01-31T12:12:00.001+08:00

Sometimes my little hope can't understand
what's in Your Will
what's in Your Plan
So many times I'm tempted to ask You why

But I can never forget it for long
Lord what You do could not be wrong
So I believe You even when I must cry.

Do I trust You Lord
Does the river flow
Do I trust You Lord
Does the North Wind blow
You can see my heart
You can read my mind
and You got to know
I would rather die than to lose my faith
in the One I love
Do I trust You Lord
Do I trust You

I know the answer
I've given them all
but certainly now I feel so small
shaken down to the cavity in my soul
I know the doctrine and theology
but right now they don't mean much to me
This time there's only one thing I got to know

Do I trust You Lord
Does the robin sing
Do I trust You Lord
Does it rain in Spring
You can see my heart
You can read my mind
and You got to know
I would rather die than to lose my faith
in the One I love
Do I trust You Lord
Do I trust You

I will trust You Lord
when I don't know why
I will trust You Lord
till the day I die
I will trust You Lord
when I'm blind with pain
You were God before
and You never change

Do I trust You
Do I trust You
Do I trust You

I will trust You
I will trust You Lord
I will trust You Lord

By Twila Paris

I am very touched by this song when I heard it for the first time on Rachel's MP3 player. It is so rich in meaning and it certainly touches my heart because it is so true and I believe that this song describes our trust and love for God when the situation for the present moment makes it difficult that God is there with me, for me, let alone that He loves and cares for me but it never changes the fact that God loves us especially when we don't feel His comforting Presence with us when we are blind with pain, hurts and discouragements.

No matter what happens to us, be it good or bad, especially in difficult times, we always question the reality of God's love, in our hearts and with our close friends and whether we have the energy to trust Him and to carry on with our lives when it's so easy to give up on ourselves, God and ministry but one thing is for sure that we would rather die than to lose whatever little faith that we have for Him. That is all we have, and this little faith is also the reason that we persever on for Him and keep on believing that God sees, understands our pain and that He will send us the relief soon for He is always with us.

It is this belief that God is with us and that He will never leave us nor forsake us that keeps us going on, each step of the time even when we don't know where we are going and when it is so difficult to see the road ahead and when we are so tired of going but God always lead us by the hand and He is the One who carries us.

The only thing that I could do is to trust in God and love Him for who He really is and not just a figment of my mind or imagination. God has always been so faithful and the only thing left for me to do is, "

Yes Lord, I will trust You
I will trust in You Lord
I don't dare to say I will love You for all eternity
but one day at a time
I will trust You Lord

One day at a time
I will love You Lord
One day at a time
This is what I can do
and I do love You Lord and I will trust You Lord

when I don't know why
when I don't see the road ahead
when I could not see a road
when I am tired and weary

One thing I can do in those situations
I will trust You Lord
I will trust You
I will trust You Lord

Prepare the Way of the Lord

2007-12-12T16:57:00.000+08:00

This is my second time coming to Kazakhstan and I should be excited of going back to this land but I wasn't. In fact, there was a strong sense of heaviness within me as I feel that this trip back will not be good seasons such as spring and summer but it is winter season both in a literal and spiritual sense.

There are many unknown variables within this land that I did not know what to do or how to resolve. My two co-workers have already submitted their resignation forms and were planning to go to another part of the city to find work. I was very sad and reluctant to let them go for they are very good co-workers and I do not know what to do with the organisation that the Home office has set up. It would be a pity in my eyes to close it down just like that and yet, there seems to be no other choice but to do just that. Unless the Lord prepares the house, we labour in vain.

As I was preparing to alight at Almaty airport, I feel that the Lord is telling me to prepare His way and that His love for me and for this land will never change. I was pretty encouraged by His words but reality has to come knocking over my head that there seems to be no way and that everything that had once seemed so inviting in the past now seems so hostile now. I do not know how or through what to prepare the way of the Lord and I dislike the thought of having to waste my time here. I need an answer from God for only He can show me the vision and His plans and all other things will not matter to me so much.

The reason why we go to mission trips or do evangelism is simply because we believe with all our hearts that God is going to come back soon and that we are His stewards and we want to be like John the Baptist to prepare the way of the Lord. That is why we go out, not of ourselves but because of Him. I will spend the remaining weeks to pray and to seek His counsel of my role here in Kazakhstan. I felt quite discouraged that nobody seem to know the state within my heart and all are just waiting to see my performance, of what I can do to change this land around, or rather my performance to see what I do that can change their minds about me.

It is so lonely and frustrating and that there are times, I feel like I don't want to do anything at all. I have decided that God loves me and that is all it counts and it will count for everything in my life. All my life should be for HIm and not for any person, anything, any mission field but for Him. He truly deserves my everything and I will and focus all my energies on Him and Him only. May He deserves the highest praise and honour and all that belongs to Him.

I love and cherish a lot of people in my life and yet, I never feel so alone in my life even now. Be with me and be the centre of my life. For You, only You are important to me, in my life and in all that I possess. Take me Lord and use me as Your vessel. Take me to be with You, I pray.

Is True Love found or Chosen?

2007-09-08T15:37:00.000+08:00

It was interesting for me when I was discussing the topic of Jacob's wives Leah and Rachel with my teacher about the topic of love where she believes insistently that true love has to be found and it was not chosen whereas I believe otherwise.

I spent a few minutes thinking about this and I still came to believe strongly of my views. I personally feel that you choose whom you want to love and that is true love indeed and it is not like you are waiting for a guy oк gal to come long and when lightning struck, then you will discover that you love each other. I feel that is a romantic view of love and maybe I felt that is not very practical.

I feel that Jesus comes to this world because He has chosen to love us and desires for us to be reconciled to His Father who also loves us deeply and dearly and He paid a price that is too dear and too impossible for us to pay Him back. If true love is found, what if there comes a time when Jesus found someone He could love and worthy of His love, will He cast us aside and focus all His being to love that person? That thought will be too horrible to contain and to think for me.

All of us are fallen creatures and there is nothing in us that is worthy to be loved by God and yet, He chooses to die for us who will not even respond to His sacrifice and even will laugh at Him, mock Him as if He has been cursed by God and humiliate Him. Despite all our cruelty and mocking, He still says that He loves us and His love brought forth actions in that He dies for us. That supreme example shows that He did not wait for love to come by but that He chooses love first and that should be my example.

I can love somebody who decides not to love me. I can love my enemies even though they may choose to harm me and that is what love is all about. We choose to love because He loves us first, not because of our behavior but because of His choice. In theу same way, I can choose to love you for a long time even when you don't respond to my love and that doesn't mean that I will have to find somebody who have a better response to my love. The choice is mine and it was my decision to choose whether I want to love or withhold my affection and love. However, I was thinking that if we choose to withhold our love, something inside us dies because we are created in the image of God, who is love. Thus in other words, I am thinking that we are created to love and that we are created to give and response to love, that is our basic function and that is why children at a young age, teenagers, young adults and old adults all need love and can give love because that is our function in life. Love speaks in many ways but if we choose to stifle it or to quench it, something inside us dies and we become bitter, angry, frustrated and wonder why and how have we ever reach to such a state and it's all because we choose to withhold our love for one another.

I love you not because of what you can bring me, not because of your actions or how pretty you are when you smile or especially when you feel cranky but because of who you are. Yes, there are times when love is difficult but that doesn't mean that I will withhold my love from you but that love is a choice and I have already made my choice. I will not go around searching for love when my choice is already made and I think that is the same with Jesus. Have you made your choice?

Forget Not His Benefits

2007-08-29T16:58:00.000+08:00

Time has flied so quickly and without seeming to notice it, I am about to finish my missionary stint in KZ where I have been staying for six months. As I reflect back on the last year, I notice that I have not thanked God for His wonderful blessings that He has showered upon me and thus, I have decided to dedicate this post as a thanksgiving to God and an appreciation to all my closest relatives and friends. Here goes:

I want to thank God for:
(1) providing me a job in Regent Sec as an English and Literature Teacher (relief) which allows me to save money to go for missions

(2) Mrs Tan, Head of Department (English), for offering the job to me again and that she was very pleased with my work

(3) Miss Fern, (Assistant HOD), for writing a good testimonial for me

(4) Aaron, my closest buddy and cousin, who will always tries his best to fulfill all my desires and willingly chauffeur me to wherever places I need to go, regardless the time and how far the place. His sacrifices for me indeed make me very loved and appreciated and I do enjoy washing his car despite all the complaints I have made (haha).

(5) Yvonne and Marianda, my close cousins, for always supporting me in my desires and pursuit for God, without complaining and always making me so welcome in their house and I do enjoy playing their PS2.

(6)Lindy, my sibling, one whom I can never thank enough, for praying for me and supporting me in my mission endeavours and also helping to be a pillar of strength in our family.

(7) Esther, my dearest youngest sister (Xiao Mi Feng). Her joy is contagious and her antics always make me laugh. She is always so willing to brew one cup of coffee for me whenever I ask her and also to massage my poor aching shoulders. She is indeed one of the many blessings that God has given to me.

(8) My parents, who are always so supportive of my desire to serve God and always interceding for me. I will always appreciate them for all that they have done for me and I thank my dear Heavenly Father for giving them as my parents.

(10)Jerming, my closest prayer buddy, who has painstakingly drew up a plan for me to experience the different exposure of another culture and praying for me all this while even though he is in a different continent.

(11)Dawn, one of my prayer partner, whose joy and passion for our Lord Jesus Christ has made her a role model to the young ones. Her love for God has caused many people to draw nearer to Him and she is a very nice sister to know.

(12) Yanwei, my dear brother and disciple, thank you for being so willing to take up the leadership role and to take care of the group. I am proud of you and that I believe that you will do the job so much greater

(13) Gee Wee and Joseph, thanks for agreeing to take the role as leaders in the group and I know that in spite of your own insecurities, yet you are willing to serve God in this capacity and that you are willing to be molded by God and may God sees this act of service and multiply ypur fruits many folds

(14) Monday Cg, you have been a joy to me and also my motivation. Your love and your desire to know God makes me proud to be your shepherd and thank you for allowing me to serve you.

(15)Sat Fellowship Group, their love and passion for the lost have stirred my heart to have compassion for the lost and it is also through this group that I have reawakened my heart for missions once again.

(16) Tsidkenu, Aaron's former group, your joy and desire for God made me proud to know you as my brothers and sisters in Christ. We have so much fun and laughter together and I enjoyed our mission trip to Cambodia last year. May you all continue to shine for Jesus all the more brighter.

(17) Andy, for teaching me and challenging me to move out of my comfy zones in KZ and introducing me to his friends in KZ and God is really doing a great work in you.

(18) Natasha, my Russian teacher, thank you for being so patient with me, especially when it comes to the pronounciation, and thank you for being my interpreter and you have welcomed me into your group so readily and without hesitation. I thank God for having known you and your group.

(19) Sasha and Lena, thanks for inviting me to your lovely wedding and your desire and love for God and for each other, have indeed touched my heart and I can only prayed that God will increase your love ever more.

(20) Pastor Ong and Pastor Margaret, thanks for praying for me here in KZ and also allowing me to come to this place and your concerns for me are deeply appreciated. I believe in all good things and that God will bless this nation even more.

(21) Qiuyan and Darren, I enjoyed your presence here in KZ and your words made me feel very encouraged indeed and I feel that indeed, your love for each other and God have grown in such a way that simply amazes me. I pray that your heart and desires for God will not fade away but will continue to burn in such a way that consumes both of you.

(22) Mark, thanks for your concerns and prayers for me. I am indeed happy to hear that you have involved yourself in the committee and that your contribution as always are worthwhile. I count you as my blessings for having known you as my brother and friend.

(23) Our Lord Jesus Christ, who have always protected me and gives me such blessings that make me so amazed at the work that God has done for me. I will not forget His benefits and so I have decided to write it all down.

May you not forget the benefits and blessings that God has poured down on you. Be blessed and may our Good Lord continue to pour down His manifold blessings on you.

Things are not what it seemed

2007-08-18T15:56:00.000+08:00

Last night, it was interesting for I dreamed the same dream twice in the same night. I dreamed a dream and I woke up and then I dreamed the same dream again and so I believed that God must be wanting to tell me something and so let me share with you what I have dreamed.

First of all, I dreamed that my friends and I were in a boat and we were sailing to a place where I did not even know the destination. We were so content to just sit in the ship and let the ship carry us to wherever it wants to go and all of a sudden, the weather turned out to be very dark where we could not see one another. Then there was a light and I thought we could see another ship and they seemed to be Christians as I felt it in my heart and through my eyes. Therefore, I was very glad to see them but then all of a sudden, they attacked us and it was only then I realized that they were the minions of the Enemy and they seemed to be gaining ground and they have killed and destroyed many of my friends and all seemed lost and in vain and we could only but lifted up our voices to cry in anguish and for help. Then it seemed that only a few friends and I were left and as the Enemy's minions prepared to destroy us for the last moment, we have no choice but to stand up against them and not even to fight or flee for there was no weapons given to us and no place to run. We can only stand up against their vicious onslaught and in a way, prepared ourselves to die.

But as the enemies came to us for the last time, there was a brill ant light that shines from above and dispelled all darkness away and in a way, the bright light consumed the enemies away and as we looked up, all is at peace and calm and we stared at each other as if we have just woken up from a bad dream. Then at that point, I woke up and then as I prepared to sleep, I knew within my heart that I will surely dream the same dream again. True enough, I dreamed the same dream and the same thing happened but now, it moved on to the second part.

We suddenly found ourselves in a church setting and it was filled with multitudes and multitudes of people and I recognized the pastor who was on the stage and he was praying so fervently for the nations of the world. It was at the height of his prayer that every knee bow and every tongue confesses their sins and prayed for repentance and it was so powerful that I could have wept over there for the power of the Holy Spirit was so strong and so might over there and the brilliant light that saves us from the enemies shine over in that congregation, of every nationality that gathered there and when I woke up, I felt a very strong prompting to write what i have seen and felt.

I felt that God was telling me that things doesn't appear the way it seemed and that the most important thing is that when evil tends to overwhelm you, to attempt to make you succumb and compromise, you need to stand up to its face, no matter how crippling it can be and God will deliver you out of that situation for God will never give you something more than you can bear. His light is always shining for us and the choice that is given to us is either to follow the Light or forsake it. Make a wise choice today.

What kind of person will you be?

2007-08-04T16:02:00.000+08:00

I have been in this country for about 5 months and as I was reflecting of what I have been doing in this land and seeking from God the next steps I want to take, the next direction that He is leading me, that God reminded me of a picture of 3 very different football players which He has shown me earlier on when I was new to this land, about 2 months ago.

God shows me a picture and reminds me that there will be a time of great challenges for every Christian to make a difference in his/her life and also be a tremendous influencer of somebody's lives too. There will come a time when you as a football player, needs to kick the ball into the goal to make it count and win the trophy for yourself as well as for the team. Then God shows me three very different players that at this crucial time, each of them has to kick in the ball that counts and that each of them just have one chance only and so, they have to make their shots count. The first person, a big and burly player, who believes he could make the shot, stepped up first. He trusted in his own strength and prowess and believes that he could score for the team and earn his glory in the field and so, he does not put his trust in God as he believes in his own might and strength and he kicks the ball. A lot of his players trust him also and believe that he can make the cut but his shot went wide and he actually misses the goal. He could not believe in his own eyes and stood looking at the ground, cursing and stumbled off the field in utter humiliation and anger.

Another player, this time, a short and skinny fellow stood up to meet his challenge. He actually trembled and was already shaking his head, and as he stood to prepare to kick in the goal, some spectators actually stood to boo him down, saying that he was such a weak player that it would be better for him to go back to the benches and sit down. Some even said that due to his past performance, he would not make it and so it would be good to save himself and the team humiliation that he forgoes his chance. The weak and trembling player listens to all this negative thoughts and thought within himself of his dismal performance of the past, rejects the chance when it was offered to him, believing that he could make no difference with this goal and stumbled off the field instead without even taking advantage of the chance that was given to him.

The last player, a boy of no more than 16 years, weak and untried in the professional football was called to take the chance. Everybody looked at this young fellow and were already shaking their heads and the young player felt their scorn and was already feeling the same as the second player. He went to his coach and told him frankly that he can't and yet amazingly, the coach told him that he could do it and told him to believe that God will carry him through. Pray and believe and all he needs to do is just kick the ball. The untried player listened to the coach's words and encouragement and before he kicked the ball, prayed and went to kick the ball with all his strength. He fell down but his foot connected the ball and the ball went far and amazingly, the ball went into the goal and he won a tremendous victory for himself and for the team. Many could not believe their own eyes, including the young player and God revealed to me the whole story to me like He was speaking in the parables in the past when He told all these stories to His disciples and followers.

God explained that in the first player, he puts his trust in himself instead of God, believing that he does not need Him and so he failed in the task given to him. The second player was caught up by his sins of the past and when others pinpointed his sins to him one by one, he could not stand up to it and stumbled off without giving himself and Me a chance to do something in and through his life and he went off, wallowing in his guilt and shame. The last player, though he has not played before, put all his trust in me, even when the odds are strong in his face, believed in Me that I will carry Him even though everything was against him. He spoke to one man who believed in him and whom he respected very much, made a difference in that field and I felt that the Lord is asking you and me which kind of player are you? I pray with all my heart that I want and hope to be the last player, who will make a difference in the field of wherever God has placed me. That is my prayer and I hope that will be your prayer too.

Continue to seek God's will in your life and to hear His voice for I believe that God is just waiting for a chance to communicate with you. May you be blessed by this simple sharing. Amen.

Amazed!!!

2007-07-25T16:23:00.000+08:00

I was amazed and still in amazement at what the Lord is doing in this country and its neighbouring countries that I can only bow my head in awe. I came to this place, without knowing what to expect and I can only pray to God that may my time here not be wasted but that I am able to see the Glory of the Lord moving powerfully in this place. God has been so gracious for He has granted my requests more than what I have expected and I felt like that new song that everyday, God's glory unfolds anew and it was such a tremendous blessings to me here. I am amazed at His love for the local people and am amazed at His love, concern, and protection for me here even though I am here alone.

When I came here for the first time, He has blessed me with new contacts with the local Christians who love God with all their hearts and are so dynamic for Him that I made strong friendships with them and that they looked after my welfare excellently. When I need a place to stay at the very last minute, they rallied around and managed to find a place for me to live and to stay within one day time and that spoke much of their love and concern that they have for me. I am amazed for they only knew me for three months and such love was already pouring out from them and I am touched by their gesture of love.

I have also went with them to a Mission Conference and I was touched and amazed at this conference for God is doing a marvellous work which I have not expected. He has used one South Korean missionary to start this conference which is focused on bringing the Gospel back to Jerusalem through the Silk Road and I was amazed at the impact that God has placed upon his life. He heard the call of God clearly in his life and I was amazed at how he imparts his vision not only to his family, church but also to the neighbouring countries that they caught the fire of his vision and they went to spread the Good News further and plant numerous churches and I am amazed. The first thought that came to my mind was that I should just pack up my things and go back home because what the pastor has done is more that what I could ever do for the Lord and I felt so small and so insignificant and I was amazed at the love of God for this nation and beyond. I also felt like Elijah who thought he was labouring alone for the Work of God but then God revealed to Him that besides Elijah, He has preserved 700 prophets who have not kissed Baal and that was how I felt. I thought I was labouring alone when my friends have left for their own countries but then when I came out of the conference, I was touched by His love and His passion for this people, for God has clearly not forsaken them and now the time is at hand for God's glory to show forth more powerfully in this nation and I am excited.

All in all, I am touched by the love of God and so much more that I will want to come back to this land and to see what great work that God has done and is still doing here that I will not want to miss it. That is my prayer and my hope for God's hand is clearly in this place and upon my life. God bless

Not Easy to Climb to the Mountaintop

2007-05-12T19:14:00.000+08:00

I have been to a very beautiful place in KZ which is known as the Lubugru Mountains (I don't know the correct spelling haha) and it was the local church who has invited me to join them. Though I don't know them really well, yet they have extended the invitation to me readily enough and I thank God for this warm-hearted invitation. I have enjoyed their cg and their church service and indeed the Glory of the Lord and His Presence is very strong in their midst and I enjoyed the church peoples' presence as they seem to enjoy mine too and for that I thank God for His opening doors and ministry for me. When I reached the mountains, I didn't know that I should have prepared my own food as I didn't bring my utensils and food with me. However, the youths over there have prepared my share and they have brought extra utensils for me to use and I thank God for their understanding and preparations as I did not feel embarrassed and then, one of the older man suggested to climb the nearby hilltop. I readily agreed as I wanted to see the beautiful scenary from the peak and so I decided to climb together with him together with the other youths. It was quite easy at first and the peak is still far off but the difficulty comes when I was having a lack of breath but I perservered on when I thought I saw the peak was near. I pushed on with all my might and climbed to the top and imagine my shock and surprise that the climb was not over but that the actual peak was actually hidden from my sight. At that time, I wanted to give up and began to give myself reasons so that I will give up my attempt to climb to the top and yet another voice seems to tell me that I can climb to the top of the mountain and so, I decided to perserver on and climbed on. However, when I reached the second peak and still saw another peak that was about 200 meters ahead, that is when I made up my mind that I don't want to attempt the climb as my lungs were bursting and my right leg was suffering a cramp. I sat down and waiting for the rest to catch up and then descend the hill together with them. Then I saw two young children wanted to climb the peak and though my body told me that it was done and over with and that I will be commiting untold abuses on it if I wanted to join them. However, I made up my mind and to my surprise, I still can walk normally and so I walked to the top and I saw a really beautiful sight at the peak of the hillside. I saw an eagle hovering high in the skies and the older man who has led the climb decided to pray for KZ with the youths and we had a marvellous time praying for God's glory and power and many blessings to pour over this land. It was just then that God revealed a spiritual truth to me that many times, it is not at the starting we fail but rather at the near of the finishing line. He showed us a mountain and told us to climb and at first, the journey is light and easy but imagine our shock and horror, when we thought we have reached the peak, that there was another hidden peak; one after the other until we decided to give up the climb and become satisfied and content with where we are or how far we have come rather than finishing the task which God has given to us. That is when we become satisfied with the second or third best rather than the very best that God can give it to us. All of us need encouragements from one another to help us to finish the race and if there is no one, we should look to the Lord. Just like Psalm 121:1-2 says, "I lift up my eyes to the hills, from whence did my help come? My help comes from the Lord, the Maker of heavens and earth and that should be our way of life also. We should always focus our eyes on Jesus the Author and Perfecter of our faith, who has set the course, finished the race and has sat down on the right hand of the Father. May that be my prayer and faith.

Mountains and Valleys

2007-04-20T15:03:00.000+08:00

Without knowing, I have been in Central Asia for almost one month and it was a very enriching trip to me. When I saw all my friends and my loved ones at Changi airport, seeing me off, and as I took this journey alone, I felt a sense of separation strongly in my heart and I felt at that time, that if I could turn the clock back, I would not have chosen to go for I missed them very much and their smiles and happy memories.
However, I know it very well in my heart that this is where My Father was calling me to be and I have to obey Him for this is also something which I have prepared for a long time to fulfill my destiny and calling. I will not give up this up for another person for Him, I must follow, Him I must focus. So when I alighted from the plane, there was another feeling that was so intense and that is a feeling of anticipation and to see the rain that He will send upon the place. I have made many friends and they have been good to me and my needs. It has been a mountaintop experience for me and i also know that God is in our midst when I see how the people love God so strongly in their country. Even though I don't know the songs nor the language, yet I keenly felt His presence very strong in their congregations. That is a balm to my soul and yet there are also times of great umpleasantness that made me feel stressed and distressed. Not everything was lovely roses on a bed but that underneath are thorns that prick you and hurt you. I have learnt not to lose my temper and also to keep on smiling at issues but what I really want to do is to tear the issues apart and solve the problems but that is not my place and position to do so.
I believe that My Father is faithful and I must remain faithful too. I will keep on praying and fasting until God sends a reply.
Billy Graham once wrote that mountaintops are for pleasurable viewing and inspiration but fruits are grown in the valleys. I will and shall not strive to get out of the valleys but I will remain in it and to see that I shall bear good fruits for His pleasure for that is what He would have me to do. My fruits will point to Him and therefore, I must ensure that in my thoughts, words and action, I want to honor Him the best that I can and I will keep on sending news of great delight to people who are praying for me and are writing to me. He is the Good News and we too must bring glad tidings of news too. I miss home, loved ones but I will remain faithful to complete the journey/path what God has set for me. That is my delight and greatest desire. God is faithful and just to complete it to the very end and He will not leave us half-done. There is hope for both you and me. Amen

Giving and Loving Freely

2006-11-24T13:50:00.000+08:00

Loving and giving freely to God and to one another have been easier to me when I was a child but it is getting increasingly difficult now that I am an adult. I have been pondering within myself for the reasons what have caused this change in me and whether is it good or bad? The standard correct answer was of course wrong and it is not good at all to be so hesitant in giving my all to God or to people. Thus, I am airing my thoughts aloud as to what John the Baptist meant when he declared, "God must increase and I must decrease." This is a very cryptic statement to me at least. When I was very young, from the age of 6-15, I remembered giving enthusiastically to God through the offering boxes even though it meant emptying my pockets.
When I reflected to that period of time, I think it was easier because I could always depend on my parents to provide for me and that even if I have no money in my pocket, I will not starve and still I could get my favorite snacks or tibits to eat. I did not worry of what I will eat or what I will dress for I trust that my parents will provide for me and my needs even though I have no money in my pocket. That is probably why I am able to give my money freely and no hesitation at all. When it comes to loving our friends, I was amused by the fact that when I was really young, and when my friends said that they have no money to buy food at the school canteen, I will not hesitate at all in handing up half of my pocket money to him to buy his food. I would not question whether he is bluffing, or using me for his own advantage for such questions would not even enter the mind of a 7 year old boy. When they needed a Bible to read or someone to pray with, I would make sure that my friends would get a Bible even if it meant pestering my mother to buy a brand new one for them. I was carefree and rejoiced greatly that my friends accepted Jesus Christ as their lord and Savior. I always wondered at myself that how easy it was for me to bring my friends to church when I was a little kid but no longer now. I wonder why?
Things began to change as I grew older because I have my own wants and parents seldom provide for you when you reached the period of independence. Somehow, I don't see God the way I see my parents even though I knew in my heart that God is my Provider who supply all my needs. It's not a question of how much I would give but more of a question of how I view God. If I give all I have to God and at the end of the day, i have no fears of what I would eat or drink because I know that God would provide, then what is stopping me to give to God? In the same way, when I could empty my pockets and that I believe that my parents would provide for me, that should be my view of God. My wants in life should not and NEVER influence my trust in God and His unchanging personality.
I believe that we can give freely to God if we viewed Him as Jehovah Jireh, God who provides. No not just view, but believe and trust that He will provide for us for He is faithful and He loves and cares for us very much. In the same way, we ought to be a good neighbour to our friends and strangers alike because we too have received mercy and love from God. People would always view us with ulterior motive if we persuade them to go to church because they would see whether we just want to bring them to church to boost our numbers or because it is simply our Christian duty to do so. What a vast change that is from the past!!!! In the past, I would share Christ to my friends because I genuinely loved them and I did not want them to miss a chance of accepting Christ in their hearts and I did not care whether they joined my church but that they have Christ in their hearts and that they belonged to Christ. That is all. If we come to them in any other way like duty, boosting our numbers and not love, no wonder people would reject us and rightly so. They are very sensitive to this and we need to show them that we care and that we love them enough to care. I believe that this will cause them to lower down their resistances and accept our sharing or at the very least, they will hear of what we want to say and share.
To love freely and giving freely boils down to our attitude towards God and our love for Him. Our desire and wants can never take the place of our love that we have for Him, or else everything is in vain and we will become empty ourselves. Let's trust and see God as One who provides and love us deeply that he gave His One and Only Son to reconcile us back to Him through His death. Let's share Christ not with an ulterior motive but with genuine love for them. May this short sharing provokes us to love God as He deserves to be loved. Amen.

Communication (My thoughts)

2006-10-31T09:23:00.000+08:00

Communication is an essential part of our lives and yet it seems to be one of the most neglected part in our lives at least in my life. I realise that whenever there are uncomfortable issues arising that will result in conflicts, quarrels or simply unpleasantness, my tendency is wait for it to blow off or for the other party to cool down and then if they wanted to talk about it, then we will settle it. If not, if the other party did not bring the issue up again, I will definitely not bring it up again.
However, without knowing it myself until someone points it out to me, that I have presented myself as someone who tends to hide from the issues and that it kinds of making the other person frustrated when she wants to talks aboout the issues and my response is more like keeping quiet and a lot of "never minds." To her, I m like suppressing all my anger and resentments inside and not wanting to talk it out and that she is frightened by this kind of attitude because she will not know when i wpould blow up on her and I do see her point. To my way of thinking at least, it's not that I don't see no point in talking avout the issue, but rather, I am not so articulate to express my views and thoughts about it and this happened a few times before in my life and thus, it leaves me very frustrated. The more i tried to express, I found myself complicating the issues and as a result, the other party misunderstood my points and it resulted that I have to spend a lot of effort to clear up the misunderstanding which leaves me very tired. Therefore, I find it easier to keep quiet and give the issue a deeper thought and then if need to, then perhaps it's easier to share but if they did not bring it up, then it also saves me the hassle of explaining myself and my stand on certain issues. However, it also does present myself as uninterested to solve the issues which I think to myself it's not true.
Another reason why we will miscommunicate is because we assume the other party's thoughts and so, it results that i am not listening to her but that I am thinking what she might be thinking. Maybe one of the reasons I do not communiate is that I find there are many issues arising where I find myself in a defensive position and it gets me very tired of having to defend myself and so, i just keep quiet. Like yesterday, when i was washing my cousin's car together with him, he mentioned about our area leader's concerns about me wanting to go to China perhaps with an impure motive, I was instantly offended but i just kept quiet, not wanting to say more about this issue. However, I was hurt that he who is my closest brother and friend did not defend me or does not seem to understand my position but I do not wish to pursue and too tired to pursue, so i just kept quiet. However, he knows i m offended and angry and tried to ask me about it but being me, i sort of brushed him off. Maybe that area of my life I need to change but I found it easier to live in this way. So this is my thoughts about communication and maybe i will start thinking whether we will lose our identity and independence when we are dating the next time i post my blog.

Communication?

2006-10-29T22:06:00.000+08:00

To Experience God or to know Him through reason?

2006-09-30T13:01:00.000+08:00

I was having an interesting talk with one of my cg members and I could see that he really wanted to place his faith in our Lord Jesus Christ but what was stopping him is simply that he does not know enough about Him even though he was born in a Christian family and that caused me to think about this question a bit more thoroughly.
I realized for myself that I too am born in a Christian family and that I experienced the same problems as he did but the sole reason why I am able to stay in my faith is that I have experienced God since young in church, family and even in my own personal life. Whenever I am in distress or being scolded/disciplined by my parents, I would always go to my room and pray to God, seeking comfort and I always have this sense that He was always nearby, being my Comforter and I was comforter that throughout all these years, I have never left Him though there are moments where I have back slided. He is always there for me and that is what counted most for me.
However, I realized one thing very early on in my life that when people asked me about my faith, I couldn't convince them at all and my faith was nearly shaken when they asked me questions that I couldn't even answer but I have to act as if I know all the answers at my fingertips but alas, I couldn't deceive them but only myself. From that time on, at age 17, I made a covenant with God that I will read the Bible faithfully, all the way from Genesis to Revelation and that I wanted to know Him through the Book and experiences and I faithfully pored my energy and time into it and that is how I started my daily devotion. God is faithful and just and He is gracious enough that the more I read, the more sensitive I became towards His presence. I began to make a defense of my faith to my friends and I began to tell them of the great things God has done in my life and that my faith is not in vain.
I realized one thing that we cannot doubt God's goodness for if we doubt, there's no place for us to turn at all. I also realized that if we just take one tenet of knowledge without experiencing God in His way, we will become dry and there won't be new life springing forth out of us, in other words a dry academic. On the other hand, if we keep on experiencing God without making an effort to study about Him, to know Him of who He truly is, then our faith, I believe is lop-sided and this will not do anyone good. Thus, I believe that we ought to be balanced in either way and yet this is the difficult line to draw.
I also believe that God's word is true and that He has already proven His existence and His love He has towards us and it is only up to us to take the step of faith to choose to believe or not to believe His words at all. We will never know Him for His ways are higher than our ways and that just like one smart theologian says it beautifully that if we know and understand God, then God ceases to be God at all.
We ought to study and believe Him of the things He has done but as I said earlier on, the choice is ours to choose to believe Him or not to believe Him for no matter what great things God may do, if our hearts are closed, we will never perceive Him at all for only we can open our hearts and say, "Come Lord Jesus into my heart." Only then can we see, hear and understand. May that be your answer today.
God bless

Our Worship is for You alone

2006-08-27T21:53:00.000+08:00

Throne of Praise by Don Moen
Jesus, We lift You up on our praises
So every eye can see Your face
Your power and grace
Behold You as You really are
Brighter than all the stars of Heaven
Our worship is for You alone
We build You this throne of praise

As long as I have breath
I'll find a way to say
that I love You
everything may change
and the world may pass away
I'll still love You
With every song we sing
Every prayer we pray
We build You a throne
made from the sound of praise

You, O Lord deserve
the praise of all the earth
and we worship You
A sacrifice You died
now Great and Glorified
and we worship You
With every song we sing
Every prayer we pray
We build You a throne
made from the sound of praise

When I first heard this song, it moved my heart in such a way that I could described as pain and loss as well as great expectations that one day, I can offer my Lord and King the worship He really deserves. For a long time in my life, I have always felt that my worship is inadequate for it could never express what my heart longed to worship and I could dwell there, wanting for more and never getting it. I longed to see the day when the glory of the Lord dwelled in the midst of His people that we could not worship and are just kneeling there, enjoying His presence and wanting to be with Him.

I know all along that our worship is for Him along and yet, there are many things in this world, my life that just distracts me away from Him. That should never be the case and sometimes, I wonder whether I have taken God for granted and I begin to review my relationship with Him. I can only use this analogy to describe my relationship with Him in the past and I need to be careful that I would not fall into this state again.

I could only describe it in this way:
There was a prisoner, condemned to die because of all the wrongs that he has committed. He has hardened his heart and it seemed that nothing could ever ,move his heart again. He has turned his back to the world and now, the world has turned their back on him, and he began to do all the heinous crimes to assuage the loneliness and bitterness of his heart. He led a dissolute life to the extent that his parents no longer wanted to associate themselves with him. He was caught one day for experimenting with drugs and under the law of the country, he has to be sentenced to death and that left the man even bitter. One day, there was a Man who came to visit all the condemned prisoners who were supposed to be executed soon. He saw this prisoner, and for some strange reason, his heart began to reach out to him and he began to care for him and take care of his living conditions in the jail, trying to make it livable for this prisoner. At first, the prisoner was unmoved and he began to make fun of this Man, jeering him, spitting Him and cursed Him and called Him a fool for the prisoner was going to be executed and to him, it was useless to make his living accommodations nicer.

However, the Man still cared for him and to the extent that He washed the prisoner's feet even though the prisoner still kicked him as He was washing his feet. Strangely, the prisoner began to feel the person's love shining through Him and to him and he began to warm to the person. He began to respond to the person's ministrations and began to accept him, tentatively as an acquaintance, friend and slowly progressed to brother. When He learned that the Man is actually the King of the country, he was amazed and Hope began to rise in his heart and he pleaded with the King to spare his life. The King is a just King and he began to review His case personally, granted the prisoner reprieve and spared his life. Interestingly, the king even gave the prisoner a job and quite a high ranking one. That prisoner was filled with gratitude and began to serve the King wholeheartedly. Whatever the prisoner wanted, the King gave freely to the extent that the prisoner forgot his former state of life and began to assume that he is on the same par with the King and that he believed firmly that whatever he asked, the King will surely give Him. He began to make demands on the King and began to throw a tantrum that the King is not a good king when He doesn't gave the prisoner what he wanted, until one day the prisoner was shaken to his senses when he realized that he has not been treating his good friend as a King but as a servant. He repented and began to pay due respects that the King deserved to get.

I don't think I can portray this story as well as I wanted. I was a sinner, found grace and enjoyed a good relationship with the Lord. However, I found that I have been taking Him for granted and to the extent, I nearly left my faith when He seemingly did not help me in my time of need until I read Daniel 3:17-18. That brought me to my senses and I repented and now, I just wanted to praise Him for who He is and my worship is for Him and Him alone and not for anyone else. I will not trade Him for anything lesser for He is all I need.

Our Worship is for Him alone

2006-08-27T14:37:00.000+08:00

Throne of Praise by Don Moen
Jesus, We lift You up on our praises
So every eye can see Your face
Your power and grace
Behold You as You really are
Brighter than all the stars of Heaven
Our worship is for You alone
We build You this throne of praise

As long as I have breath
I'll find a way to say
that I love You
Everything may change
and the world may pass away
I'll still love You
With every song we sing
Every prayer we pray
We build You a throne
made from the sound of praise

You, O Lord deserve
the praise of all the earth
and we worship You
A sacrifice You died
now Great and Glorified
and we worship You
With every song we sing
Every prayer we pray
We build You a throne
made from the sound of praise

When I first heard this song, it moved my heart in such a way that I could described as pain and loss as well as great expectations that one day, I can offer my Lord and King the worship He really deserves. For a long time in my life, I have always felt that my worship is inadequate for it could never express what my heart longed to worship and I could dwell there, wanting for more and never getting it. I longed to see the day when the glory of the Lord dwelled in the midst of His people that we could not worship and are just kneeling there, enjoying His presence and wanting to be with Him.

I know all along that our worship is for Him along and yet, there are many things in this world, my life that just distracts me away from Him. That should never be the case and sometimes, I wonder whether I have taken God for granted and I begin to review my relationship with Him. I can only use this analogy to describe my relationship with Him in the past and I need to be careful that I would not fall into this state again.

I could only describe it in this way:
There was a prisoner, condemned to die because of all the wrongs that he has committed. He has hardened his heart and it seemed that nothing could ever ,move his heart again. He has turned his back to the world and now, the world has turned their back on him, and he began to do all the heinous crimes to assuage the loneliness and bitterness of his heart. He led a dissolute life to the extent that his parents no longer wanted to associate themselves with him. He was caught one day for experimenting with drugs and under the law of the country, he has to be sentenced to death and that left the man even bitter. One day, there was a Man who came to visit all the condemned prisoners who were supposed to be executed soon. He saw this prisoner, and for some strange reason, his heart began to reach out to him and he began to care for him and take care of his living conditions in the jail, trying to make it livable for this prisoner. At first, the prisoner was unmoved and he began to make fun of this Man, jeering him, spitting Him and cursed Him and called Him a fool for the prisoner was going to be executed and to him, it was useless to make his living accomodations nicer.

However, the Man still cared for him and to the extent that He washed the prisoner's feet even though the prisoner still kicked him as He was washing his feet. Strangely, the prisoner began to feel the person's love shining through Him and to him and he began to warm to the person. He began to respond to the person's ministrations and began to accept him, tentatively as an acquaintance, friend and slowly progessed to brother. When He learned that the Man is actually the King of the country, he was amazed and hoipe began to rise in his heart and he pleaded with the King to spare his life. The King is a just King and he began to review His case personally, granted the prisoner reprieve and spared his life. Interestingly, the king even gave the prisoner a job and quite a high ranking one. That prisoner was filled with gratitude and began to serve the King wholeheartedly. Whatever the prisoner wanted, the King gave freely to the extent that the prisoner forgot his former state of life and began to assume that he is on the same par with the King and that he believed firmly that whatever he asked, the King will surely give Him. He began to make demands on the King and began to throw a tantrum that the King is not a good king when He doesn't gave the prisoner what he wanted, until one day the prisoner was shaken to his senses when he realised that he has not been treating his good friend as a King but as a servant. He repented and began to pay due respects that the King deserved to get.

I don't think I can portray this story as well as I wanted. I was a sinner, found grace and enjoyed a good relationship with the Lord. However, I found that I have been taking Him for granted and to the extent, I nearly left my faith when He seemingly did not help me in my time of need until I read Daniel 3:17-18. That brought me to my senses and I repented and now, I just wanted to praise Him for who He is and my worship is for Him and Him alone and not for anyone else. I will not trade Him for anything lesser for He is all I need.

Our Worship is for You alone

2006-08-27T13:21:00.001+08:00

Throne of Praise by Don Moen
Jesus, We lift You up on our praises
So every eye can see Your face
Your power and grace
Behold You as You really are
Brighter than all the stars of Heaven
Our worship is for You alone
We build You this throne of praise

As long as I have breath
I'll find a way to say
that I love You
Everything may change
and the world may pass away
I'll still love You
With every song we sing
Every prayer we pray
We build You a throne
made from the sound of praise

You, O Lord deserve
the praise of all the earth
and we worship You
A sacrifice You died
now Great and Glorified
and we worship You
With every song we sing
Every prayer we pray
We build You a throne
made from the sound of praise

When I first heard this song, it moved my heart in such a way that I could described as pain and loss as well as great expectations that one day, I can offer my Lord and King the worship He really deserves. For a long time in my life, I have always felt that my worship is inadequate for it could never express what my heart longed to worship and I could dwell there, wanting for more and never getting it. I longed to see the day when the glory of the Lord dwelled in the midst of His people that we could not worship and are just kneeling there, enjoying His presence and wanting to be with Him.

I know all along that our worship is for Him along and yet, there are many things in this world, my life that just distracts me away from Him. That should never be the case and sometimes, I wonder whether I have taken God for granted and I begin to review my relationship with Him. I can only use this analogy to describe my relationship with Him in the past and I need to be careful that I would not fall into this state again.

I could only describe it in this way:
There was a prisoner, condemned to die because of all the wrongs that he has committed. He has hardened his heart and it seemed that nothing could ever ,move his heart again. He has turned his back to the world and now, the world has turned their back on him, and he began to do all the heinous crimes to assuage the loneliness and bitterness of his heart. He led a dissolute life to the extent that his parents no longer wanted to associate themselves with him. He was caught one day for experimenting with drugs and under the law of the country, he has to be sentenced to death and that left the man even bitter. One day, there was a Man who came to visit all the condemned prisoners who were supposed to be executed soon. He saw this prisoner, and for some strange reason, his heart began to reach out to him and he began to care for him and take care of his living conditions in the jail, trying to make it livable for this prisoner. At first, the prisoner was unmoved and he began to make fun of this Man, jeering him, spitting Him and cursed Him and called Him a fool for the prisoner was going to be executed and to him, it was useless to make his living accomodations nicer.

However, the Man still cared for him and to the extent that He washed the prisoner's feet even though the prisoner still kicked him as He was washing his feet. Strangely, the prisoner began to feel the person's love shining through Him and to him and he began to warm to the person. He began to respond to the person's ministrations and began to accept him, tentatively as an acquaintance, friend and slowly progessed to brother. When He learned that the Man is actually the King of the country, he was amazed and hoipe began to rise in his heart and he pleaded with the King to spare his life. The King is a just King and he began to review His case personally, granted the prisoner reprieve and spared his life. Interestingly, the king even gave the prisoner a job and quite a high ranking one. That prisoner was filled with gratitude and began to serve the King wholeheartedly. Whatever the prisoner wanted, the King gave freely to the extent that the prisoner forgot his former state of life and began to assume that he is on the same par with the King and that he believed firmly that whatever he asked, the King will surely give Him. He began to make demands on the King and began to throw a tantrum that the King is not a good king when He doesn't gave the prisoner what he wanted, until one day the prisoner was shaken to his senses when he realised that he has not been treating his good friend as a King but as a servant. He repented and began to pay due respects that the King deserved to get.

I don't think I can portray this story as well as I wanted. I was a sinner, found grace and enjoyed a good relationship with the Lord. However, I found that I have been taking Him for granted and to the extent, I nearly left my faith when He seemingly did not help me in my time of need until I read Daniel 3:17-18. That brought me to my senses and I repented and now, I just wanted to praise Him for who He is and my worship is for Him and Him alone and not for anyone else. I will not trade Him for anything lesser for He is all I need.

Our Worship is for You alone

2006-08-27T13:21:00.000+08:00

Throne of Praise by Don Moen
Jesus, We lift You up on our praises
So every eye can see Your face
Your power and grace
Behold You as You really are
Brighter than all the stars of Heaven
Our worship is for You alone
We build You this throne of praise

As long as I have breath
I'll find a way to say
that I love You
Everything may change
and the world may pass away
I'll still love You
With every song we sing
Every prayer we pray
We build You a throne
made from the sound of praise

You, O Lord deserve
the praise of all the earth
and we worship You
A sacrifice You died
now Great and Glorified
and we worship You
With every song we sing
Every prayer we pray
We build You a throne
made from the sound of praise

When I first heard this song, it moved my heart in such a way that I could described as pain and loss as well as great expectations that one day, I can offer my Lord and King the worship He really deserves. For a long time in my life, I have always felt that my worship is inadequate for it could never express what my heart longed to worship and I could dwell there, wanting for more and never getting it. I longed to see the day when the glory of the Lord dwelled in the midst of His people that we could not worship and are just kneeling there, enjoying His presence and wanting to be with Him.

I know all along that our worship is for Him along and yet, there are many things in this world, my life that just distracts me away from Him. That should never be the case and sometimes, I wonder whether I have taken God for granted and I begin to review my relationship with Him. I can only use this analogy to describe my relationship with Him in the past and I need to be careful that I would not fall into this state again.

I could only describe it in this way:
There was a prisoner, condemned to die because of all the wrongs that he has committed. He has hardened his heart and it seemed that nothing could ever ,move his heart again. He has turned his back to the world and now, the world has turned their back on him, and he began to do all the heinous crimes to assuage the loneliness and bitterness of his heart. He led a dissolute life to the extent that his parents no longer wanted to associate themselves with him. He was caught one day for experimenting with drugs and under the law of the country, he has to be sentenced to death and that left the man even bitter. One day, there was a Man who came to visit all the condemned prisoners who were supposed to be executed soon. He saw this prisoner, and for some strange reason, his heart began to reach out to him and he began to care for him and take care of his living conditions in the jail, trying to make it livable for this prisoner. At first, the prisoner was unmoved and he began to make fun of this Man, jeering him, spitting Him and cursed Him and called Him a fool for the prisoner was going to be executed and to him, it was useless to make his living accomodations nicer.

However, the Man still cared for him and to the extent that He washed the prisoner's feet even though the prisoner still kicked him as He was washing his feet. Strangely, the prisoner began to feel the person's love shining through Him and to him and he began to warm to the person. He began to respond to the person's ministrations and began to accept him, tentatively as an acquaintance, friend and slowly progessed to brother. When He learned that the Man is actually the King of the country, he was amazed and hoipe began to rise in his heart and he pleaded with the King to spare his life. The King is a just King and he began to review His case personally, granted the prisoner reprieve and spared his life. Interestingly, the king even gave the prisoner a job and quite a high ranking one. That prisoner was filled with gratitude and began to serve the King wholeheartedly. Whatever the prisoner wanted, the King gave freely to the extent that the prisoner forgot his former state of life and began to assume that he is on the same par with the King and that he believed firmly that whatever he asked, the King will surely give Him. He began to make demands on the King and began to throw a tantrum that the King is not a good king when He doesn't gave the prisoner what he wanted, until one day the prisoner was shaken to his senses when he realised that he has not been treating his good friend as a King but as a servant. He repented and began to pay due respects that the King deserved to get.

I don't think I can portray this story as well as I wanted. I was a sinner, found grace and enjoyed a good relationship with the Lord. However, I found that I have been taking Him for granted and to the extent, I nearly left my faith when He seemingly did not help me in my time of need until I read Daniel 3:17-18. That brought me to my senses and I repented and now, I just wanted to praise Him for who He is and my worship is for Him and Him alone and not for anyone else. I will not trade Him for anything lesser for He is all I need.

Decisions?

2006-08-08T12:38:00.000+08:00

Decisions?
Everybody has to make a decision at some point in their lives and I believe all of us made a decision very young in our lives such as whether we choose to obey our parents, older siblings, what type of food to eat, clothes to wear and and somehow, i believe that we enjoyed making decisions cause it seem to make us feel grown-up. However, as we grew older, we began to dread making decisions and we tend to push decision-making rights to someone else and try to get ourselves out of that situation and only when we don't have any choice at all, we make a decision based on popular or general concensus, That started me thinking along these lines.
I think this is because we hated the responsibility that comes along with the decisions. We don't like to make decisions that are unpopular and yet most of the time, it seem to us that we are making these type of decisions that we slowly but surely phased out of making decisions even to the extent of going where to eat and what to do and we always rely on our friends because in that sense, they will bear the responsibility instead of us when the decisions turn out to be ill-fated or unpopular at best. However, there will come a time when we have to make the greatest decision such as believing and accepting Jesus Christ as Lord and Savior of our lives and second to that, our lifelong partner.
For me personally, the two great questions that I have been asking myself is my direction in life and my lifelong partner. For unknown reasons, these two seem to be very far out of my life though i spend time thinking and rethinking about it and i still have no answer regarding them for quite a considerable period of time. I have been praying for it as long as i could remember for the past 10-12 years but no answer came. Recently, i think God has given me some sort of answer though it was not the ones that i expected. My expectations of answers from God was that i want God to tell me specifically to tell me which countries to go, which ministries to serve and should I carry on waiting for the girl i like and love? God did not reply to me any of my questions but instead, He made me realise one thing and that is whether i have been asking guidance from a wise guru or whether i m trusting God that He will walk with me in spite of the decisions i make for myself.
I realised that God is a gentle God and He will not make decisions on our behalf. The best example of this is our free will to choose whether to accept Him as our personal Lord and Savior. He does not push us though He convicts us of His deep love He has for us. He does not push us though many a times, we push our friends to accept Him but He allows us to make decisions and even when our decisions are clearly wrong, He does not condemn us but instead, He will make everything right in His own eyes and in ours too when we surrender it all to Him. I realise one thing though that every time i delayed in making a decision is because i do not want to make a decision that i regretted and that is why i keep on praying and seeking answers from God so that when God makes a decision for me, it's the best decision and God can never go wrong and that is why i keep on waiting for God to move in my life.
However, God does not seem to move in that way. He waits for us to make a decision and then He will open doors for us to see and that is what has been impressing on my heart for the past two weeks that God is waiting for me to do just that. I was afraid of my wrong and maybe even harmful decisions but God reminded me of Joseph's brothers where they clearly made the wrong and even evil decisions but God intervened and made it everything right in the end and it is also through them that Israel was saved and delivered indirectly and this teaches me one thing that if I surrender myself to God, God is faithful and just and He will carry me through. As for the person I like very much and still love, i believe that anticipation and expectation will do for me just fine for everything has its own time and i believe that time is coming soon and i am waiting for it as a man awaits for the greatest gift that God can ever give Him. I wait and makes my decisions and I pray that you too will wait and make a decision that you are happy in making too. God bless and enjoy your time with God alone.

Love=Hurts

2006-07-28T18:24:00.000+08:00

LOVE=HURTS
In response to my friend's blog when she ask why love have to hurt, I believe that this is the question most of us have been questioning and I have for some time in my life question about this and this are my two cents thoughts about it.
I was a simple-minded person and still is (I suppose) for there was a period of time when i actually thought that if two persons who actually love one another deeply and believed that their relationship was God-ordained, then they must be the happiest couple found in the world and that everything must be alright for they love one another. Reality has to knock me to my senses several times when months have passed and I have seen personally that when their romance has passed over, so was their love and affection towards one another. Both would feel sad and one would take it especially hard than the other and would start blaming God for their failed relationship. They would try anything such as alcoholic drinks, smoking or even find the other partner to take the emptiness out of their hearts, the empty void of their lives. They would also shun other people, their friends and relatives and prefer to be alone, being a hermit and nurse their hurts alone. Therefore, the question is why must love hurts?
I think it is because being in love means you start a relationship with the person whom you love and hopes that it will be fruitful. That also means that when you are in love, you start to make yourself to be vulnerable to the other party and you start sharing with him/her your deepest fears, your greatest delights and joys and your hopes, plans and dreams of the future and you start giving part of yourself into the other person's hands and when this relationship fails, you rightly feel that part of you has died and gone away, vanish and will never come back and you start to wonder where is it that you have gone wrong. You will be bitter and even worse, skeptical and you will start to be cautious and careful in placing your heart towards the other person's hand even though you might like this person a lot and you know that this person too loves very much, perhaps much more than you would ever love him/her. We all fear of being hurt and scared of a failed relationship and that is why we would hesitate and pray for confirmation, reconfirmation until we make a decision whether to accept or not to accept his/her love.
I think for me myself, I kinda can understood why love is so painful because we need to put in a lot of effort towards love and sometimes, the results that we have been hoping for does not turn out the way which we expect. Recently, I have been feeling tired about this matter because I think I have been investing quite a lot of time with the girl I like and I felt that no matter how much effort I put in, the results will still be the same and now, I am just tired about everything. Sometimes I will ask myself whether is it worth it I love this person so much even though I know it in my heart that she will never love me for she has never loved me in the first place. It has been so long and my friends are encouraging me to per sever on for this is only the last lap and if i can cross this hurdle, then i will be home free but to me, i think it has a lot more than that. For this moment, i choose to remain in my comfy shell even though it might irritate people.
To me, love has to hurt for only then can we see how precious love really is. If love doesn't hurt, perhaps we won't take it seriously. God's love hurts, really hurts when He sees His only Son whom He loves so very much, hung on the cross, died for our sins and Jesus hurts too when Father cuts off His relationship with Him. Thus, from this example, we ought to know that when we love someone, we choose to be hurt and yet, how beautiful that picture is seen when love bears fruits, that we are reconciled with God and that our loved ones loved us unreservedly as much as we love them. That is the most beautiful picture and that greatest love has no one than this that a man will lay down his life for others. That Man has come and we ought to show our love to Him and to others also.

Dreams?

2006-07-08T08:20:00.000+08:00

DREAMS
I believe that all of us have dreams about our future, of what we want to be when we grow up, about our jobs, girlfriends, wives and our children. We place a lot of hopes in ourselves and we strive hard to fulfill our dreams and we expect a lot from ourselves and from others to help us to fulfill part of our dreams. However, our passions and zeal start to fizzle when our dreams failed to materialize and we start giving up hope or maybe even deceive ourselves that now is not the best time for us to realize our dreams and part of us start to die, giving up hope, cocooned within ourselves and we start doing the things what others expect of us, being realistic.
We too have our dreams and expectations of our partners too, constructing within our minds our ideal picture of what he/she should be like. I too have an ideal picture and i believe that all of us have realized at certain stages of our lives that our loved ones and the ideal picture of what we have constructed for them do not match at all. We tend to get frustrated and angry and we try all our means to change the person whom we loved very much into the image which our minds have constructed and when that person refused to conform or even slow in doing so, we get angry and we start to wonder whether we have made a mistake all along. I believe firmly that if we start doing that, we have unknowingly cause hurt to the other party and it also implied one thing (in my mind at least) that we cannot accept our loved ones' character whom God has imputed and we want to change him/her into the image in my own mind. How hurtful can that be?
All of us have our own comfort zones that we are very unwilling to give up or even sacrifice. That is probably why we will scream, shout and even howl when God constantly molded us into His image, which should be our image originally but lost due to Adam's sins, redeemed in Christ Jesus. In the same way, when we want to change our loved ones, they probably will scream, shout or even retreat into their swollen bad moods and that frustrate us. Sometimes, we always have this belief that it is for your own good if you can change this bad attitude or wrong behavior and yes, that is indubitably true, but somehow, it also leaves the feeling that your character has something that I could not accept or tolerate and therefore, I want you to change.
For myself, I too have people urging me to change my certain habits which tend to leave people frustrated and probably lead them to tear their own hair in anger. More often than not, I refused to change and I will retreat into my own world, refusing to listen and tuning them out of my ears. The more they wanted me to change, the more stubborn i become, refusing to listen because maybe I feel there's nothing wrong in sticking to my preferences, and not wanting to conform myself to the other parties' preferences.
For myself, to be truthful, I know that there are a lot of things I have to change for the better, but I also believe that I have not make someone conformed to my dreams. I do not ask anyone to sacrifice their quirks though sometimes, they really do irritate me but I have not asked them to change their behavior or habits just to please me or others. I think i will tell the other person that their behavior in some extent irritates me and that's that and whether that person want to change or not, I believe it's really up to the other person. If the person values my comments and me or if I really value the person who made the comments to me, I will change in my own accord without them telling me many times.
Dreams are good but sometimes when it hurt others because of your dreams, maybe i need to reconsider my dreams. Lord, help me to accept people just as You do and help me extend grace to them as You have been gracious to me. Help me in this area and in the Name of Jesus, Amen.

Man of My Word

2006-06-03T20:34:00.001+08:00

MAN OF MY WORD
I believe in my heart that when we make promises to our loved ones, at that point in time, we meant what we said and that we wanted to live up to our words and certainly, our partners (wives, girlfriends and children) certainly hold us to it. Whenever we break our words, we don't hold ourselves responsible and surprise of surprises, it is our partners and children who hold us to it and they are disappointed, sad and angry that we cannot make our promises stick. As a result, there will be tension and guilty on the guys' part. Then it will all deteriorate into nobody will put trust in our words anymore and that it was just "say, say only" and our loved ones whom we love every much don't have any expectation on our words and even worse, our promises made to them.
Personally, I think that it is sad that when our loved ones no longer trust our words and promises which we have made to them. We try to live up to them to the best of our ability, but somehow, we always seemed to fail them all the time and maybe to the extent that we also cannot trust ourselves of our words. How many of our friends can say of us that our word is our bond to them, that they don't need us to write it in black and white but that they trust us. What an honor that will be to us and what it will do to enhance our reputation. However, on the other hand, when we don't live up to our words, our promises, that we just say it and then forget it on the next moment, can we in all honesty trust ourselves?
I too long to live up to my words but there are times when I slipped without knowing until the person I cherished pointed out to me numerous times until it reached a point where it hurts me that when I said something to her, her first reaction will always be "say say only" and "see how". This way, I see it and interpreted will always be don't open a blank cheque and let your actions prove your words and that I cannot really trust your words until you have proven them otherwise. That hurts me because it implies that she cannot trust me and my words and that I have to daily live up to my words. I think most of us have a problem with our memories that once we said something or make a promise to someone, we tend to forget the promise that we have made to our loved ones and that is also hurtful to them which I believe. I also believe that there are times when we just want to placate them and so we made reassuring noises but with no intention of carrying it out and that is very hurtful especially to the person whom we have made promises to.
I too have made a lot of promises to God Himself, promising that I will be good if He helped me out of this scrape and that scrape. I don't exactly remember how many scrapes I have gotten myself into but I do remember making a lot of promises to Him which I have not even fulfilled any one of them. I feel quite bad about it because God Himself never reminded me about the promises i made to Him but He is always so gracious to me. That makes me realise that I have always taken Him for granted and that should not be the case. I love God and I want to live up to my word to Him just as James and John have said. Our words are useless if there is no action and let it be said of me that my word is my bond. I want to make a list of my promises which I made to people and to the girl I have always loved and my prayer will be that she will be gracious to me when I failed to deliver and gently reminded me about it. I too prayed for a day when she will say to me that I am a man of my word and not just "say say only." I believe in my heart that God is also longing and waiting for a people of integrity that once our word is given, we live to act it out.
May my words be true and holy in Thy sight and may my meditations please you my Lord.

Man of My Word

2006-06-03T20:34:00.000+08:00

I believe in my heart that when we make promises to our loved ones, at that point in time, we meant what we said and that we wanted to live up to our words and certainly, our partners (wives, girlfriends and children) certainly hold us to it. Whenever we break our words, we don't hold ourselves responsible and surprise of surprises, it is our partners and children who hold us to it and they are disappointed, sad and angry that we cannot make our promises stick. As a result, there will be tension and guilty on the guys' part. Then it will all deteriorate into nobody will put trust in our words anymore and that it was just "say, say only" and our loved ones whom we love every much don't have any expectation on our words and even worse, our promises made to them.
Personally, I think that it is sad that when our loved ones no longer trust our words and promises which we have made to them. We try to live up to them to the best of our ability, but somehow, we always seemed to fail them all the time and maybe to the extent that we also cannot trust ourselves of our words. How many of our friends can say of us that our word is our bond to them, that they don't need us to write it in black and white but that they trust us. What an honor that will be to us and what it will do to enhance our reputation. However, on the other hand, when we don't live up to our words, our promises, that we just say it and then forget it on the next moment, can we in all honesty trust ourselves?
I too long to live up to my words but there are times when I slipped without knowing until the person I cherished pointed out to me numerous times until it reached a point where it hurts me that when I said something to her, her first reaction will always be "say say only" and "see how". This way, I see it and interpreted will always be don't open a blank cheque and let your actions prove your words and that I cannot really trust your words until you have proven them otherwise. That hurts me because it implies that she cannot trust me and my words and that I have to daily live up to my words. I think most of us have a problem with our memories that once we said something or make a promise to someone, we tend to forget the promise that we have made to our loved ones and that is also hurtful to them which I believe. I also believe that there are times when we just want to placate them and so we made reassuring noises but with no intention of carrying it out and that is very hurtful especially to the person whom we have made promises to.
I too have made a lot of promises to God Himself, promising that I will be good if He helped me out of this scrape and that scrape. I don't exactly remember how many scrapes I have gotten myself into but I do remember making a lot of promises to Him which I have not even fulfilled any one of them. I feel quite bad about it because God Himself never reminded me about the promises i made to Him but He is always so gracious to me. That makes me realise that I have always taken Him for granted and that should not be the case. I love God and I want to live up to my word to Him just as James and John have said. Our words are useless if there is no action and let it be said of me that my word is my bond. I want to make a list of my promises which I made to people and to the girl I have always loved and my prayer will be that she will be gracious to me when I failed to deliver and gently reminded me about it. I too prayed for a day when she will say to me that I am a man of my word and not just "say say only." I believe in my heart that God is also longing and waiting for a people of integrity that once our word is given, we live to act it out.
May my words be true and holy in Thy sight and may my meditations please you my Lord.

Faith

2006-05-19T16:29:00.000+08:00

FAITH
When it comes to the question of faith or the definition of faith, Abraham the father of faith comes to mind. I hope that it will answer my own questions about faith as I did a quick review on his life, his commitments to God as well as his obedience. Let me put it first that this review was purely of my own opinions, speculations and I am not an Old Testament scholar. What I hope to do was to compare Abraham's character in terms of faith and to draw out precious lessons that I hope will be beneficial to me or to anyone who is reading this blog.
The Bible never says how did Abraham know God or that he has a good relationship with God but it sort of appears to me that when God called Abraham to leave his Father, family and the place where he had lived for a period of time and to go to a place where God said that He will bless him mightily and abundantly, a place where Abraham himself has no idea, and that he obeyed God and took Lot his nephew and his beloved wife Sarah and left for the place where God told him to go. I believed that he is feeling scared for there are a lot of unknowns for him such as will he be killed over there, will he be welcome, will he adapt to a place where the culture and language was unknown to him? Will they take his wife from him by force, or will they kill him because of his wife who was very beautiful? Will he really have a great nation, or many descendants just as God has promised him, or will he inherit a great land, a land of milk and honey? I believe that some of these thoughts and maybe other thoughts unknown to us must have been passing through his head and yet, he obeyed God and went on to a distant land, to the land where God has directed him with all these thoughts weighing upon him.
I once wondered what is it that draws Abraham to believe God so totally and that he's willing to give up everything he had just to follow the promises of God. I can make several conclusions on this and they might not be correct but at least this is what I think.
Abraham must have a good relationship with God and that must have led him to believe totally and fervently in the promises that God has given him. He loved God and that's why he obeyed God to the extent that he is willing to kill his son, his only son when he heard the voice of God telling him that He wanted Abraham to take Isaac as a sacrifice to him on Mount Moriah. I believed at that time, Abraham must have been walking in a path where he couldn't see where he was going and that there is so much fog and smoke covering the road ahead and that he just keep on walking, hoping that he will see a clear road soon. However, what draws him on is simply because he heard God's voice in the midst of uncertainty, in the road filled with smoke and fog, he heard his voice and so he carries on with his way, believing in God's promises and so he obeyed God and walked on the road until he became the father of faith. I believed the reason is that he knows God and he heard his voice and that is why he is able to carry on his difficult road ahead of him that though in the end, he did not see the promises of God materialized in his lifetime, but he died believing that God is faithful and just and that His word will not return to him void, that somewhere and somehow, God will honor his promises to him even though he may not see it in his own eyes. That's to me is faith indescribable.
Why would Peter want to step out of the boat and walk on the water? Is it because he really wants to prove to his other friends that he has faith more than them or just be a showoff? I personally don't think that is so because I believes that he wants to know that it is Jesus who is on the water and he wanted to go to him. He stepped out of the boat, his eyes fixing on Jesus and began to walk on the waters in the midst of the storm, that is faith to me also.
There will be a period of time when all of us are facing uncertainty and that we come to a crossroad. We either stopped or bravely walked forward but to me, I will walk in the smog-filled road if I can hear His voice because to me, what scares me most is that when i walked the road without hearing the voice of God and discovered in the end that God is not there at all and that he has disappeared or covered Himself, that to me is a scenario that I don't dare to contemplate. That is why when people are telling me to move on and I don't dare because i didn't hear his voice especially in areas of missions, and that in the end to discover that God is not there. That, to me, is cruelty and a self-inflicted one.
To have faith and to give up security the way that Abraham is doing is a lesson in which we can draw out for our benefits. My prayer for this blog is that God, help me to listen to your voice when I am not sure where to go, what to do, and that let Psalm 23:4 be my faithful companion that even though I walk through the valley of shadow of death, Your rod and Your staff they comfort me. Amen!

Feeling a sense of lost

2006-04-30T15:47:00.000+08:00

FEELING A SENSE OF LOST
It has never been my intentions to hurt the one whom I cherished very much in my life and yet, the end result was that due to my frustrations, anger, confusions, and all the other negative emotions, I ended up hurting her. Suddenly, the connection between us (if there ever was one) and I like to think there is, was suddenly strained and that really saddens me. In fact, when I was going out with her, I was already feeling very negative with myself in my heart and spirit, I was trying very hard to control my emotions so that i did not want to affect her but in the end, she ended up being very affected by me. For that I was and still am apologetic to her for this matter.
That brought me to reflect a bit deeply about my own behaviour in that why would I hurt someone whom I don't intend or even want to hurt and yet, she ended up being hurt by me. I could only think of one answer and that is self-centeredness. For others, that might not be their reason but for me, I think that is true enough. I was negative and all I could think of was my hurts, my resentments, my frustrations and my unhappiness and my concerns. In that sense, I was fully immersed in myself and my hurts and I thought that I would be happier going out with her and that she would be happy to see me and that in itself, would help me feel better about things. However, it did not turn out to be that way, and I was feeling a bit irrational and so, things did not turn out well. I believe firmly that I did not lash out at her, meaning in my conscious mind, I did not scold her, threw a tantrum, quarreling with her and stormed off and still, she felt hurt because she felt more deeply of the underlying tensions and the sight of my silent, black or even furious face would make her feel even more scared of me.
That incident made me sadder and even I myself felt appalled at my behaviour. I tried to come up excuses for my behaviour and all of them felt lacking in a fundamental way. I felt bad, I felt sad, I was remorse and yet, it did not help things for the fact was that I have grieved her and I have been trying to make amends for it but somehow, I didn't have the courage to do so. During this time, I felt within myself questioning myself that when I grieved the Holy Spirit, or make my Heavenly Father angry myself, I don't feel that sense of loss, remorse such as I felt towards her. I felt that should not be the case at all because if I cherished the person I love so very much in my life, all the more so should I cherish the Maker of my life, who looks over me, who takes care of me, who provides all my needs and yet, most of the time, I did not put Him first in my life. Without Christ, I am nothing and I cannot live without Him and yet, I treated Him shabbily and how I felt a sense of shame prickling at my heart as I was typing.
I love her and still do but for her, it would only be my words only without action. She might be right but for me, I knew deep within my heart and soul, I do love her and that I do not want to hurt her but I also know that would be impossible because if I can hurt the One who loved Me more than I can ever love myself and willingly gave up His life for me, to the extent that I would never love Him back, I would stone Him, spit at Him and curse Him, He still died for Me. O what indescribable love He has for me and that is more than I can ever say for myself of my love for Him and even the love I have for her. I can only pray that as I love Jesus more and more each day, that my love for Him will be reflected to my love for her and I hope is sufficient for her.
May my life be another extension of His story and I sincerely hope that I will glorify Your Name more and more each day.

Love the Lord with all of your heart, soul, mind and strength

2006-04-01T09:50:00.000+08:00

LOVE THE LORD WITH ALL OF YOUR HEART, SOUL, MIND AND STRENGTH
In the Old Testament, our Lord required only one thing from the people of Israel and that is they are to love the Lord with all of their heart and mind and soul and strength. That is before He even gave Moses the 10 commandments and it seemed to me that if anyone can fulfil this requirement from the Lord, he/she has already fulfilled the 10 commandments but the sad thing is that nobody can do that; not the Israelites in the past nor us in the present. We can't even love our brothers or others and we keep feeling irritation, annoyance and anger, hurt and other emotions even at the persons that we have loved most dearly and preciously in our hearts. It is written in 1 John that if we don't even love our brothers whom we have seen on earth, how can we love God whom we have not even seen? (paraphrase mine). God called us a liar and we lied not only to God but we lied to ourselves that we loved God very dearly to the extent that we could even give up our lives for Him.
Look at Peter on the night that Jesus was to be crucified. Jesus told Peter that every one of His disciples is going to be scattered, each to his own house and Peter declared boldly that He was going to die together with Him and that even if everyone would reject Jesus, he, Peter would not and would be with Him. However, Jesus knew better and He told Peter gently (I believe) that Peter, in this night, will deny Jesus not one time but three times before the rooster crowed and we all knew who was right in the end. I personally believed that Peter was sincere in his commitment to the Lord just like the rest of us when we declared our love for the person we loved and yet in the end, ended in tears and sorrow, possibly even divorce. However, what amazed me was that Jesus, after resurrection, asked Peter one question three times whether Peter loved Him. Peter answered Jesus the last time and that was when my heart broke. Peter told Jesus, "Lord, You know all things. You know that I loved You." Jesus turned to him and said, "Feed my sheep." When Peter made this declaration of love to Jesus, Jesus did not condemn him nor did He refer to Peter's denial but He believed that Peter loved Him and tasked him to take care of the little ones.
To me that is love indeed. We can't love God in the way He required: with all of our heart, soul, mind and strength but I believe that one day we are able to do so, not of our own ability but enabled by His. The way He restored Peter, the way He did not question Peter's love for Him are examples for us to follow. Love is not just a tingly-feeling, the way your eyes light up when you see the one you love come into the room but it's more than that. It's a commitment to the other person just as God is committed to us and that He chooses the best for us. In the Old Testament, even when the Israelites were adulterous and worshipped other gods, God still loved them and that He longed for them to return to His side. In the same way, God has not changed and He longed for us to return to Him. Just as the marriage vows that said, "For richer or poorer, for health and in sicknesses, till death do us part." That is not requirement but commitment but sad to say, the people who made these vows did not remember it nor do they honor it and no wonder, their marriages end in divorce because they are not committed to it.
I do believe that they are committed to each other before their marriage and also on their wedding day but it does not stop there. It goes on till the day you died and that is a life-long commitment. Call me naive or idiot but I sincerely believe that is possible. If you have accepted the person to be your husband or wife, work with them to make your marriage work by the grace of God. I don't believe that anyone can love his/her spouse with all of their heart, soul, mind and strength but I do believe that you can love your wife to the extent that you are willingly give up your life for hers, do the things that pleases your wife, listening to her, loving her and many others more. To me, that is love most explicitly expressed, doing the little things and then moving on to greater things. Teach me to love Lord for You are indeed the Source of Love. Amen.

Difference of Ideas

2006-02-25T10:53:00.000+08:00

DIFFERENCE OF IDEAS
When it comes to cellgroup, relationship, character and many other things, it was rather a shock to me when I realised that I have very different ideas with the person I love. I admitted that there are times that I was very complacent when it comes to cellgroup because I have a tendency to assume that the people I lead are cellgroup leaders in the past or interns or that they held leadership positions in the past, and so, they are capable of taking care of themselves. I failed to take note that they too are people with needs of their own and that they need people to pray for them as well as to support them either in prayer or encouragement. In fact, I even thought that even if I was not around, the cellgroup could run on its own and so, I don't think I have developed a pastoral heart for my group because of my assumptions and mainly because of my character, which was not pastoral in the first place.
It was precisely this when we had our differences. She felt that as the shepherd of the group, I should show some care and concern for my sheep especially for the younger ones. She was right in pointing out about my limitations and she also said that even in the group, I could give my sheep responsibility such as events co-ordinator, treasurer and many others instead of a duty-roster as in who is doing praise and worship. Maybe I am one who really don't know how to express myself well verbally, and I definitely cannot use this as an excuse, but to my limited mind, I really have no idea as to choose the person to be either the events co-ordinator, treasurer and even how to appoint persons to be accountable to one another. I always have this idea that if you want to be accountable, you find your own accountability group and also if you have problems, you can call me and I definitely will pray for you. Maybe this is really a lazy way but this is what I am normally accustomed to when I was leading Rophe and maybe this style of leadership starts from there. For her, she felt and I don't disagree with her, that I need to find people who are in pain but cover it up for legitimate reasons, and talk to them instead of them coming to me for they would never come to me to show that I care and I find them in pain and come to them to see what I can do to help them be it in prayer or even a word of encouragement. This is precisely what Jesus would have done and yet, I in my complacent state did not do what my Teacher would have done.
Of course, I felt quite uncomfortable when she pointed all these to me albeit in a gentle way, because she wanted the best for me but it could be quite shocking to discover my limitations pointed out so accurately from someone I have always admired and loved for about a decade. Obviously, when she pointed all these out to me, I was of course defensive and naturally wanted to defend myself in a bid to show her that I was not that bad as she may have thought and that I did not see my cellgroup in that perspective before and of course, we had conflicts.
After some time of reflection and prayer, I knew deep in my heart that she was right and that makes it all the more painful. It also brought me the realisation that we would always have differences and that we would always have conflicts and maybe in that way, we tend to irritate each other. That is probably why God created one another so different because that is probably the way we can grow and complement one another for what is lacking in their lives. If we know how to handle the conflicts and difference of ideas well, I believe greatly that it will only bring benefits for one another but if not, it would end up in quarrels, insults, unhappiness and maybe even divorce. All of us need the grace of God on how to express our views gently, especially me, when I am a person with very high defensive walls and that I speak without thinking, so that I would not wound and hurt the person I have always love and will always love and so teach me Lord in Your gentle way, how to be a good shepherd with good listening ears and sensitive to You and to the people. Teach me how to love as You have loved us with Your perfect love. Even so, Lord, I need You. Amen.

Thinking Deeply

2006-01-28T08:33:00.000+08:00

THINKING DEEPLY
It has been a long time since I have updated my blog. I have been thinking for some time about my other blog where I have said that if the girl I liked wanted me to change something in my life, I would see it as a sacrifice and not as a compromise. I have not bargained how hard it is to live out what I have written. Every point that she suggested to me that I have to change was very threatening to me for it takes away my comfort areas, the way I am used to lead and living my life, that there was a point in my life that I actually felt resentful, hurt and angry towards her that I never would have thought it would be possible.
I was resentful because I did not think that there are so many things for me to change, and I really think it is pride in me that felt it all so strongly. I did not want nor require her to change anything for me and yet, she wanted me to change and I know, really know that she wanted the best for me but it did not help to stem the rising resentment that I had towards her. I was very hurt also because I never thought that there are so many things in my life that was displeasing in her eyes. Hurt in the sense that she did not accept me the way just as I am, just as I have accepted her the way she is. I think maybe I am naive and did not really consider that we are very different in the ways we think, see things and perspectives and that's the way God has created everyone of us and that is why wives can help their husbands to better themselves and vice versus. I was angry because I felt that there was no need for me to change anything for I think I am basically a nice and outgoing person and that true, there are some characteristics that are rather unique to my friends or the term they probably will use is weird. I felt threatened because all of my comfort zones are being tore down and I felt really really unhappy about this until I went to reread my blog.
I read about the part about how willing I will change just to please the girl I liked and that I could never see it as a compromise but rather as a sacrifice. When I read that, I began to rethink carefully about my life and my wanting to start a relationship. I was thinking in the lines whether I will change for her for this short period only until I have the ultimate prize which I have longed for a very very long time and then I could live the way I liked and sort of take her for granted because I have already won the prize. That would hurt her even more and everything that I wanted to do is to love her and not hurt her and so, I think the purpose of why I wrote that is simply because I wanted to change to become the man that she could respect and love. It is a sacrifice and not a compromise and I have to keep reminding myself about that because I have given up all my rights and so what right do I have to feel resentful, hurt and angry towards her. God too is moulding and changing us when we really feel that there is really no need for us to change. We are good, we obey His commands and therefore, we do not need to be changed but God doesn't see the way we see, and He's transforming us into the person whom He has always viewed us from the beginning to the end; to be the man/woman after His own heart and maybe that is the reason why we will have new names when we are with Him. That is also a sacrifice and we joyfully await for His moulding because we know that in the end, we will be vessels of honor, fit for Him.
In the same way, I too believe that the things she wanted me to change is for my best and maybe, I too can become the man whom she can adore, respect, love and maybe, just maybe that she can trust in my leadership.

Cambodia Mission Trip

2005-12-27T21:01:00.000+08:00

CAMBODIA MISSION TRIP
It has been quite some time since I last updated my blog. I just came back from a mission trip from Cambodia and I have very strong feelings over that place. When I went to the Resettlement area, where the people lived in huts where the huts could easily be collasped whenever there is a strong thunderstorm, my team mates and I went back to our accomodations, pretty depressed because even though we expected Cambodia to be pretty backward, never in our imagination and expectations that they could be so poor. We have nothing to offer them except Jesus and in my mind at that time, i felt depressed over their state of lives that they would probably continue to live in that way for the next two or three generations and that there was really nothing that we could do to better their lives. We could pray for them, bring a little joy to their lives and try to share Christ to them but really, what could we do really?
We did the best that we could do and give. If there was anything that we could rally the group to conduct a last minute puppet show or song item, the group did it without complaining and the results has been marvellous. People came to us, encouraging us that it has been a marvellous item and that they enjoyed themselves very much, and we thanked them politely even though we all knew it was a last minute thing but the effort we put in was definitely not last minute. We put in every effort and we prayed and we were tired and in the end, God blessed our efforts, though little it has been, to bless others. That is what touched my heart the most. It's not what we could do, not our intellect or talents but it is what God could use our efforts to magnify His Name and to glorify it. The children and adults liked it very much and the local pastor, pastor Sinai would like us to do the puppet show and song item for his church. I believe that we have performed the show to about 300-400 children in total and almost 80% of them have received Christ in their hearts and I believe fervently that it would make a great difference in their lives.
On our last day, we asked Ps Sinai about his needs and I thought that he would request financial needs for after all, he only received 20 USD every month where you need 150USD to survive in Cambodia and he has a family to take care of. He has opened 6 orphanages and 40 churches and so, his monthly expenditures could be USD 3500 every month and yet he didn't ask a single money from us. I was very impressed by this giant of faith and i wa very impacted by his requests. He simply asked us to pray for the people in Cambodia, the children and for the orphanages and that's all. He made an observation, saying that our team has made an impact on the lives of the people in Cambodia as we went through some of the provinces and villages, and that he would like us to come again and go to different provinces and villages to bring the love of Christ there. He prayed that his church would not be a church that received blessings but would also be a church that blessed others also. I think that there is something which all of us could learn. I was so encouraged by this man of faith and even now, i still could see him praying for the people and laboring for them and I believe fervently that God could use him mightily. The local workers, who have drove us unceasingly also enjoyed our fellowship and that they have asked us to come to their villages to share Christ to their fellow villagers. Such simple men of faith and that they yearned for Christ to be known in every way, that they were willing to pay any price really captivates my heart and we built strong friendships with them. They also told us that they enjoyed our time together and hope that we would be able to come back to Cambodia.
Lastly, from our very own missionaries, Alex and Kym whom I thank God for them, because they really love the people in Cambodia and that while we were there, they really took very good care of us. They were concerned when several of us fell sick and that they would do their utmost to make us feel comfortable. They brought us to the nice places to have dinner and ensure that we have clean hygiene food and water to drink, our basic needs to take care of which i myself have sometimes taken for granted. Their sharing have encouraged us a lot and that they felt good in the eyes of the local people through us and they thanked us for it even though we have only been there for 10 days. I felt this is what missions should be, to bring the love of Christ to the local people, pray for them, play with them, ministered to them, not afraid of hard work and most of all, share the love of Christ to them and have a strong friendship with them. By the end of the day, even if they may have forgotten us, but I believe that Christ has opened a door in their hearts and that is what matters most.

Love=Liking?

2005-11-02T00:28:00.000+08:00

LOVE=LIKING?
Throughout my teenage years, I always thought that if I like someone, that is love. If I like her and she likes me, everything will work out well in the end or even worse, we deem it to be a part of God's plan that she is the One whom God has prepared for me. As I grew older, I think I became wiser (haha) for I have seen many sad cases whereby one party would be left heart-broken when their boyfriends or girlfriends broke up with them, citing too many times where their love for them has diminished, die off or simply they no longer felt anything for them. Even worse, some were the cases where they declared to their friends that God has made them to be together months earlier and now, they have broke off, citing irreconcilable differences whereby they would blame God for their failure to be together. No wonder, people would feel skeptical when they heard anyone declaring to the world that God has caused them to be together for 9 out of 10 times, they have seen these kind of relationships deteriorated, finally leading to a break-up.
As for me, I now believe that there is no one "special" waiting for you in this life. I believe firmly that you are the one who chooses to be in a relationship and so, both have the responsibility to cause the relationship to plant and water and God will cause it to grow. We must do our part and then God will does His part but a lot of times, we don't put in any effort and we just expect God to bless us in this relationship and cause it to grow or more likely, waiting for the relationship to sustain itself. It won't happen and so we should not be surprised if that relationship don't work out for we never put any effort in the first place. We also should not credit ourselves with how many "compromises" we have made for the other party to enjoy this relationship. Truth be told, every party in a relationship does compromise but the real question is that sometimes, you feel unfair when you feel that your boyfriend/girlfriend don't compromise as many as you do and so, you want to break off this relationship. I believe that God is never exacting towards us and that He chooses to love us even though we may not love Him as much as He does love us. Love always requires sacrifices and God sacrificed His only Son for us and that is surely not a compromise. That should be our example towards a relationship with the one whom we declared to him or her that we loved them so very much. Let our words not be a meaningless sound-good kinds of feelings but it requires action to prove them. If I say I love a girl, I will sacrifice my comfort zone and does things which I would never do and never like doing in the first place, to please her and never see it as a compromise but rather as a sacrifice. If I see it as a compromise, I would want her to repay in kind but if it is a sacrifice, I don't need her to repay back in kind nor do I have the right to expect.
That is very different from liking for if I like someone, I would and rightly expect her to like me as much as I like her. However, there is this girl whom I love very much and I know it deep in my heart, that even if she doesn't love me as much as I do, I choose to love her and wait for her even if she has rejected me at least twice for that is my love for her even though she may not love me back. I also believe that we cannot say the words "Let's break out" so easily in any relationship for that have the power to wound and destroy the bond that both of you have so painstakingly built up. I would not say this sentence and if I hear my greatly beloved say this, I will be heart-broken and I will treat it as real and would let the relationship wither and to die off. Be very careful of what you say for there is power in the words, to heal or to wound and no man can tame the tongue found in the book of James.
Love is not liking and liking can never be equaled with love for Love is always and should be placed in a higher ranking than liking. God loves us and let's follow His example to love one another even though some of them are clearly unlikeable. That is our Lord's teaching that "by this shall all men know that you are My disciples if you love one another." Amen.

Love = Fairness?

2005-09-09T00:52:00.000+08:00

LOVE=FAIRNESS?
I have been thinking for a long time as in the definition of love. I was thinking along these lines that if I love someone, I would wait for her and desire the best for her and be supportive of the things of whatever she wants to do, comfort her when she is feeling down and just be a quiet confidant besides her. Of course, it matters to me that she would love me the way as I love her but to me, that is no longer that important though I admit in the past, it used to matter to me very much.
She has expressed to me at least twice that it would be very unfair of her to make me wait for her and some of my closest relatives have also told me this and one of the church leaders has also told her to be fair to me. Thus, this is what has gotten me thinking along those lines. I remember that I have told her in the past and even recently that it is my time and I can choose of how I want to spend it and that she should not feel bad because this is my decision. I was thinking that to be fair to me means that I need to distance myself from her and to mix with the other girls; in other words to move on with my life, I only have this to say that my desire is to love the girl who has captivated my heart in her love for God that has touched my heart that I have never knew before and still do, I will still wait patiently for her.
You may say that it is very unfair of her and you may also say that I am foolish but I was just thinking of Jesus. Of course, I am not comparing myself with Him and neither am I worthy to compare myself with Him. Jesus Himself has chosen to come down to this earth for He loved us and gave Himself to death to redeem us from sin and evil. When he hung on the cross, humiliated and dying, his closest disciples fled away from him, none dared to confess Him as Lord and Master, and one has denied Him publicly three times and one has betrayed Him and many who passed Him by cursed Him and wanted Him dead. I was very touched by this statement that Jesus has prayed when all these things must have played in his mind when He hung there dying, "Forgive them for they know not what they are doing." Why would Jesus say this? Wasn't He hurt by the rejection of the creatures whom He has created? I believed He was for He chose to love them and in the end, ended up rejected by those whom He chose to love. Is it fair to Jesus? I personally think not and yet this is true even today that HE loves us and willingly gave up His life for us all that we can be reconciled with God the Father even while we were yet sinners.
Thus, I come to the conclusion that love can never be equalled with fairness. What is fairness? Can we ever be fair? I think not for we are all sinners and our concepts of fairness has been tainted with sin. When we try to be fair to our children, they would always feel unjustified and felt that you are unfair and that you tend to favor your favored child. Thus, my decision is that I choose to love someone and of course, I hope that she will reciprocate my love but even if she does not, sad I will be of course but also this is my choice to love her and to wait patiently for her. I do not want to pressure her and neither do I want to hear someone telling me to move on with my life, I believe that even when she is old and wrinkled or maybe I will be in other countries serving God in whatever capacity, I will still wait for my eyes and mind has this image of a very beautiful girl, loving God with all of her heart, soul, mind and strength and expressing this love in her worship and most importantly, her life and that is why I believe I will wait until the day God calls me home. It is no longer a question of fairness but rather a choice of the lover who has chosen. That is all I have to say on this subject and it doesn't matter whether you agree or disagree for it is a personal choice.
God Bless

Finding God in Adversity

2005-08-09T23:52:00.000+08:00

FINDING GOD IN ADVERSITY
Throughout this period of time, I am just amazed by the way God works in my life and helps me to grasp this truth that it is only through the adversity of life that we can find Him. It is only through trials and difficulties that we find ourselves in dependence of Him, that we would lean on Him and trust in Him.
When the tsunami happened in December 26 2004 and it caused hundreds of thousands of casulties, people throughout the world were saddened and alarmed by the fact. They began to write articles questioning about the existence of God, the goodness of God and the power of God. They say it in this way that if God is a good God, why would He allow this disaster to happen in Asia? or if God is potent in power and might, why would this disaster happen at all? Thus, they came to two conclusions that either there is no God or else He is not all-powerful and all-knowing. They did not expect this disaster to happen at all and thus they came to this two conclusions. However, I came to another conclusion and the biblical Job helped me to come to this conclusion.
Job was a man in whom God delights. God blessed him so much that even kings would consult him for wisdom and that he was the wealthiest man in his nation for he feared God. He did not offend God at all and did everything correctly and he would pray for his sons daily. Yet all of a sudden, he faced adversity which he did not know. In just one night, he lost everything-his possessions, sons and even his health. His most precious apple in his eyes called him to curse God and die, probably, his wife discerned that it was God who took all these things away from them and she was perhaps grieved in her heart and angry with God. Perhaps, she too doubted the goodness of God and His Omnipotence and thus, she refused to believe anything about God and so, she told her husband to curse Him and die for there is nothing that God could comfort them. Job, however reacted in this way that he recognised that it was God who give him the blessings and thus it was also God's perogative to take away and he blessed the Name of the Lord. He also recognised that he should not only thanked God for the blessings but also he should accept the adversity that God brings and the Bible says it clearly that in all this, Job did not sin against Him.
In this way, I come to the conclusion that we would never understand the ways of God. Who are we to question God about His decisions even though it is painful? Do we think ourselves to be good, moral and wise enough to question God? The truth is we are fallen creatures and have fallen short of HIs Glory and that we have sinned against Him and against ourselves. If we claaimed that God took away lives just like that, how about us who took 6 million Jews just like that in one war? How about millions who perished in war? Was war started by God or is it by us? It made me wonder that we who are not moral should question about the goodness of God? Luke says it best that: "How can we judge our brother by saying that there is a speck of dust in his eye and offer to take it out when we ourselves did not see the log that is in our eyes? How can we be so daring enough to take out the speck that is in God's eyes or rather that we even dare to suggest that there is a speck in His eyes.
We who is so unworthy that God Himself would die for us that while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us and yet we even dare to question His love. How sinful we are, we all are and how much more we need to repent of our thoughts and deeds.
Yet God always forgives our sins if we confesses and that He would never leave us nor forsake us especially in times of trouble. David says it best in Psalms saying: "Where can I flee from your Presence? If I go to the Sheoul, even there I will find You." God is always by our sides and He is never far from us. We do not need to seek Him for it is Him who seeks us first. The question we should ask ourselves is do we even want to be found by God and that we would surrender to God and sing this song especially when adversity struck that it is well, it is well in our souls. It is only through thiese times that our faith can be strengthened, that we learned compassion and love for our fellow human beings, pathethic creatures though we are, yet created in the image of God.
I like to encourage you all who read my blog that we learn to praise God not only in times of prosperity but especially in times of adversity as well. It is well, it is well in my soul for You are here. Even so, Amen.

God works in wondrous ways

2005-07-23T23:12:00.000+08:00

GOD WORKS IN WONDROUS WAYS
As I looked back throughout my life to see how God was leading me, I was amazed for His Word stands true and He is always so faithful to me. I thanked God for everything that He has done for me and that He has helped me through my times of depression and been a refuge to me when I need a place to hide and rest from my troubles. When I started my theological training, God gave me a job as a relief teacher which I have not been actively seeking for a job at that time and it has helped to pay my school fees until now and He has provided me money when I am lacking the funds to pay for my school fees and for my sustenance. Thank you God for what You have done in my life and so much more.
As I am going to finish my theological training after four years, my friends and I have been planning to go to China as a mission trip, exploration trip or fun trip, I do not know but one thing I do know is that I do not have the funds to travel. Then, I decided to pray and interestingly, God gave me a job as a relief teacher again in a secondary school. I now have the funds to finish my studies as well as the money to go to China. I thanked God for His provision and that He preserves me in times of trial. Just as I thought I was going to settle in that school, I heard news that four contract teachers (2 English teachers) would be coming in to teach, I thought that I would soon be jobless again but I thanked God for what He has done. The principal invited me to have a talk with her and made known to me that she would like me to teach till the end of November and this only serves to mean 2 thngs to me: (1) I have the funds to finish studying in a my theological college because I would be finishing my degree in this year and (2) I now have the means to go to China. I thanked God for His faithfulness and of how He has been blessing me in ways that I could not see until my reflection time.
Even in the process of teaching, there are times when I woke up feeling defeated, feeling very reluctant to go to school, God gave me a verse to cheer my heart, reminding me to trust in Him again. The verse is "This is the day that the Lord has made, I will rejoice and be glad in it." It helped me to not only get through the day but challenges me to face the day and overcome the challenges that the day has for me. How great Thou art and Your Word stands true forever.
Polycarp says it best when he was about to die and his torturers encouraged him to give up his faith. He says that God has not done him wrong in his eighty years and how could he do Him wrong? Let it be the same for me that Lord, may I never do you wrong when You have blessed me so much and hold me in Your loving arms for You work in wondrous ways which men would never see if You have not revealed it to them. Work in my life I pray O Lord, for thine is the power, glory and honor forever Amen!!!

Hearing the Voice Of God

2005-07-08T21:06:00.000+08:00

Last month, there was a mission conference known as Go4 organised by the churches in Singapore. This was the 2nd time Go4 was organised in English and the first time that the chinese churches in Singapore has joined to participate. I was very blessed when I went in to hear James Taylor, one of Hudson Taylor''s desecendants to speak and the passion he spoke was evident in his speech and animation. He mentioned that the price of Jesus was great and that when we are slain by the Holy Spirit, when we rose up again, we should be different. We cannot be the same as when we are moved by the power of the Holy Spirit and fell to the ground and rise up again just like Saul fell from the ground when he met God on the road to Damascus and that he rose up as Paul, one of the greatest apostles and defenders of the faith.
I was very moved when I heard this but the greatest impact that came to me was that James Taylor read a letter from Hudson taylor and Hudson Taylor mentioned this words, "Can we do enough for the Lord and can we do too much for the Lord?" My answer rose up within me that nope, anything and everything I do won''t be enough of what my heart desires to do and that I have only one life and that this life should be lived meaningfully for the Lord. Another Speaker of the Go4 conference pointed out that Abraham heard one Word from the Lord, who told him to move out of his familiar surroundings and to go into a place that he has not known, Joseph, one dream to sustain him in his darkest times, Moses, one vision to propel him to lead the people of Israel out of the land of Egypt. In my teenage life, I too heard the Voice of God in my life and that has been my guiding point throughout my life even now. My path of life, ministry and theological studies all started just because of that Word and even now, I see my life unfolding little by little every day and yet, there are times when I feel uncertain of the way I should go and would seek God as like a oracle seeking for directions of what should I do next or which direction I should go? That night, when I heard the speaker say that, i was very prompted and I asked the Lord for one more Word, dream and vision to propel my way or rather a kind of cataylst to move my life forward in the direction of where God wanted to move me and the Lord said this very clearly to me that I have spoken to you already. I was very impacted and I almost wept before the Lord and I was blessed in such a way I never know and that is how I feel that God speaks to us.
He has spoken to each of us in our lives, be it in different stages of our lives such as a child, youth, a young adult, mature adult or in old age but the end thing is that I long to hear Him say, "Well-done, my good and faithful servant." The Lord has moved my heart and He reminded me that when I am a child, He has called me to serve Him and that He has made the same calls throughout my life and now, He reminded me that I have already spoken to you and called you, wouls you follow Me? and My answer is found in Psalm 27:11, "When Thou didst say to me , ''Seek My Face,'' my heart says to Thee, ''Thy Face O Lord, I will seek.'' That is my answer and my cry and I pray that would be your answer too when the Lord asked you the same question. May you be blessed when you read this.

Are the Old Days Better?

2005-06-30T23:44:00.000+08:00

I have been reflecting within myself and found to my great disappointment and sadness that I am no longer the person I once was. Now, if I changed for the better, of course I would be glad but I don't think I have changed for the better.
In the past, I was a very zealous person for Christ. I would attend every prayer meeting, every Christian conference, every cellgroup meeting, every sunday services and would sing very loudly of every Christian song until I lost my voice and even though my pitch was off and low key that would probably affect my Christian brother and sister around me but I couldn't care less for I love God and longed to worship Him with all of my heart, soul and strength. However, with a few years after my national service, I found my heart cold and probably only a flicker of flame burning for Christ. I found myself not really passionate for God, and was very hesitant to go to church, cellgroup and even Christian conferences. When the worship leader sing new Christian songs, I felt like I was singing just for the sake of singing and even reading the Bible no longer brought me any joy. I can't help but wonder where my passion has gone? My zeal for God, where had it disappear?
I couldn't help but comparing the old days and the present days and definitely I would say that the old days are better than the present. It is simply because at that time, I could enjoy the presence of God without struggling and know within my heart of hearts that God was pleased with me but now, I find myself critical of my friends, and cynical over my church leadership, sermons and worse of all, I have nutured a critical and cynical spirit. I was no longer the man after God's own heart and I was very sad. I told my friends and they said that this is life and to get over it but I am not satisfied. I want to be the man after God's own heart until the day I die and I want to be sensitive to His presence and to the people's needs. Easy to say and thought about but hard to live.
Therefore, when I heard the old songs in my growing up years now, they created in my heart a sense of what God has done in my life and is still doing now albeit I sinned against Him and broke His heart but one thing is still true that He loves me even until now and He is still willing to die for my sins just for me to love Him back and reconcile myself to Him. This is true and He is saying this to you. I like this part about the communion and that is: This is His Body broken for me and This is His Blood Shed for me. Take it and eat and do this in remembrance of me.
In the same way, This is His body broken for you and this is His blood shed for You. Would you partake it and do it in remembrance of Him? Behold, He is still standing at your door and knock and awaits you to accept Him as Your personal God and Savior.

Beautiful Old Songs

2005-05-28T03:02:00.000+08:00

I recently bought a Christian cd and found that I like it very much. When the worship leader sang "Turn Your eyes upon Jesus" and "I exalt Thee" my feelings stirred within me most powerfully.
You see, I have come to realise that there are a lot of things I want to do be it for the benefit for other people, God and mostly myself, I seldom factored God into my equation. I normally and often depend on myself and people whom I deemed are a potential of help to me and I seldom depended on God unless I have no way out. SO when I heard him singing "Turn Your eyes upon Jesus" I was hit most powerfully and that brought me to the first point.
Why is it so hard to focus our eyes upon Jesus? All the things we want to do to glorify His name and extend His kingdom here on earth and to please Him with our words and lifestyle which is very very difficult and yet the last Person we focus is HIm, Creator of Heaven and Earth. I think the reason is simply because the things in the world seek to dazzle us and we are dazzled, distract us and we are distracted, attract us to their way of living and philosophy and we are attracted and all these are temporal which is very true. Yet, we have this rationale that we ought to enjoy ourselves to the fullest for afterall life is also temporal and so we turn our attention to the things of what life has to offer us. We did not turn to Jesus Christ and built our house on the foundation of sand and Jesus said it most poignantly that the waves came and great is its destruction. James said it that we know the right things to do and not do it, it is sin (paraphrase mine).
"I Exalt Thee" is a song I often sing as a child and I would sing it at the top of my voice, often straining my vocal chords. I would sing it with gusto and believed that I would exlat God with my goodness, capabilities and strength, bringing people to Christ, worshipping Him, reading His word and going for prayer meetings without fail. I was thinking that maybe God would be most glorified not by our strengths but rather our weaknesses. God said to Paul, "My grace is sufficient for you for power is perfected in weaknesses." Paul replied that, "Most greatly then will I boast about my weaknesses that the power of Christ may dwell in me." I would then sing this song with a new attitude of heart probably a heart of gratitude and humility that "Lord, I exalt you not of what I can do but rather of what You can do through me." I exalt You in my weaknesses for only You have the power to show grace in me and to life up my head. I exalt You not because of what You have done in my life but for the simple reason that I love You because You love me first. You unfailingly love me even though I may grieve You and shamed Your Name and for this reason I exalt You. Listen to the rich hymns and old Christian songs and maybe your life would be impacted in such ways that you never expected. Like to use the words from the ex-Ceo of HP who gave a speech and she said it most beautifully, "Who You are is a gift From God and What You make yourself is a gift to God." I believe that those who read are a beautiful gift to God for He is our Potter and we are clay and He has the ability to make us into beautiful porcelain veses or vessels of gold, silver for honor. You are a gift to God and people who are your friends and so be a blessing to them just as God is a blessing to You.
May you be blessed when you read this blog. God bless
Shalom
Joseph

My Impression of God

2005-05-24T17:27:00.000+08:00

Since young, I have been thinking of what God looks like and wondering about His character and His personality. I have this impression from young that God must look like a benevolent grandfather who loves me very much and takes good care of me and that He would not allow me to suffer grief and things that would break my heart. My future, career, girlfriend, marriage and even the way I die or the time I die are all in His hands and that I do not need to worry anything for God will take care of me. I always visioned that He is there besides me, comforting when I need comforting, grieved when I am upset with my sister, parents and cousins. All these does sound spiritual or even biblical and yet I feel there is something wrong with my kind of thinking. I have no doubts that God does hold my future in my hand but I do not believe that He will teach me on how to live my life and in fact, as I grow older, I feel that God is not my nanny and that He allows me to get hurt or be burned in the process of Life. He will not tell me which girl or wife He has prepared for me or which career He wants me to choose but it is all in His hands.
We don''t expect manna falling from heaven feeding us when we asked God to supply us our daily bread but we do kind of expect God in the form of a pillar of cloud by day and a pillar of fire by night, leading us and guiding us in visible, tangible forms. We long for those exciting moments where God manifested His presence in powerful moments that we can declare that God is here among us and in that kind of services, nobody would want to go home though it may end very late at night. The problem arises when God speaks in a still small voice that we don''t ever equate God with for in our minds, we have this vision of Moses where God speaks in a thundering voice. When God speaks in a still small voice, we cannot hear Him for we cover it up with the other more attractive voices and color. We lose attention of God in the mundane things and believe that God is here in powerful moments but He sort of disappear in our day to day life. Jesus said that my sheep knows my voice and I believe that fervently. I believe that I do know His voice and I believe that you too but the problem is just that we expect the other kind of voice where volcanoes erupted, the red sea split in two and a mighty wind that we normally would equate God with and so, when we hear this small voice where we easily cover it up with our work, television, cds, radio or other media and so, we did not hear Him calling.
We expect God to breathe fire and brimstone when we deliberately sinned against Him and when that didn''t happen, we breathed a bit easier and committed the same or even worse sins, believeing that He is a loving God and that it doesn''t matter for our sins were all nailed at the cross through Jesus Christ our Savior and that even when the Day of Judgment comes, we can point our wrongdoings on Jesus and God would automatically forgive our sins. I was just thinking how well sin lies, comforting us so that we sinned even more and I was just thinking my theology is wrong in this one. Yes, God does forgive us when we confessed our sins but then, if we keep on sinning, where is the power of God in this matter over sin? Jesus has broken the sin''s stronghold over us that we have the liberty to love God and follow Him but if we still keep on sinning, isn''t sin then our master and the Apostle James said that once sin was conceived, it brought forth death and Paul concurred with him for the wages of sin is death.
Our impression of God cannot be one-sided that God is love and that He will condone our wrongs and sins. I don''t believe that is who God is but rather I believe that God is not only a God of love but also a God of Justice and Righteousness and that His grace is upon us and that we can come back to Him as long as we have the desire to come back and repent of our sins. The DAy of Judgment is real and that He will judge each of us according of what we have done be t good or bad and we cannot defend ourselves for He is a God of impartiality. He loves us I believe that is true but how can we grieve the heart of the One who loves us so much? How can we indeed and yet we do this almost without thinking every day of our lives?
All my life, i want to love God to the best of my ability and found out I can''t. I want to live like David, wom God said that he was a man after God''s own heart and I wanna be like him but I failed too often but I am not going to give up for no matter what happens, I would not trade God for something less for He is my everything, the Joy-Giver who gives us true joy and rest and I long for the day when He said to me the blessed words, "Well-done, my good and faithful servant." Isn''t this what we have been longing for? Even 16 years later, I am still discovering the joy of knowing who God really is.

To be an Authentic Community

2005-04-29T00:45:00.000+08:00

I was just thinking about my last week cg sharing about an authentic community and we were sharing whether we are able to unveil ourselves in our cg and let the others know all our fears, shame, joy, happiness and to dare to be ourselves in the cg. To be authentic and dare to be real to others and ourselves require enormous risks and we are placing ourselves in a very vulnerable situation where others can just tear us apart, betray us and causes us to lose faith and trust with one another and we have secrets that we are deeply ashamed of and strongholds that would cause us to lose our dignity and status, reputation and become gossip fodder for others to chew on. That is why we would cover up and just like one friend was just sharing with me this afternoon that we can put on a smiling face and acts as if everything is alrite with us and that God has been gd to us but inwardly, everything is just crumbling away and our hearts are full of anguish and sorrow and yet, we would not allow this face to show up but rather the hypocritical smiling face.
To be authentic within a community requires enormous courage and faith that someone out there cares about me and is interested in my well-being and is committed to pray for me and we have to ask ourselves whether we are willing to play this part or not otherwise, there's no point in talking about an authentic community. We too need to make ourselves vulnerable and the real qn that is important is whether we dare to take the risk, Truth be told, i dun dare and would not want to put myself under that kind of pressure. The irony is that deep in our hearts, we want to be a part of that community but would never have the courage to join. God help us to take that first trusting step to trust one another and believe that God would take care of the rest. That is my prayer and hope that one day we will reach that stage not only in heaven but also here on earth.
I truly believe that we are a world of hurting people and we use all kind of drugs to numb our pain and that drug can be relationships, work, money, material comforts or other things and yet, there would come one day where we find these things meaningless and nothing would satisfy us or numb our pains, pressure, stress and frustrations. We dun even dare to cry out loud because we dun want to let others see our vulnerability and in times of weaknesses. We heard many times from others and even urselves sometimes that "Only Jesus satisfies" and that is true indeed but there is something behind my mind that keeps thinking that there must be something more than this. You may not agree with me but i do believe that something is Jesus is present in this earth through me and you and that we are to be more like Christ and that we can build an authentic community like Jesus did with his 12 disciples. Y not take the chance to build meaningful friendships with one another that could bless you throughout your lifetime? Why not take time to bare your souls with one another and you find it will do you gd? The question is whether we are willing to do it and whether we dare to do it or not? We have not reached that stage yet but i do believe and hope that we are getting there. God bless and take care my friend.

Just Thinking Out Loud (Contd)

2005-04-28T19:03:00.000+08:00

I was thinking that even at their deathbeds, they were holding their belief and faith in God so strongly that they would not forsake HIm and throughout the Bible, God delivered them out of harm''s way.I am not talking about the believer''s perserverance but rather the attitude and expectations that a Christian has before God. If God did not do this or that for us, we would forsake Him and live our own lives without Him. If God did not deliver us or help us in our time of need, we get angry with him and leave Him. Are we reverent to Him in the first place or subconsciously treating him as a servant or a genie who do things out of our whims? I really wonder. Jesus hated many things and condemned some for eg. hypocrisy and yet the Christians are the biggest hypocrites in town. We don''t like some people we see and yet when we see them, we pretend that they are our long lost friends and to be so loving towards them where the truth of the matter is that we would rather turn our heels in the other way and walked off. When we ask about the status of the enemy, we pretend that we are so concerned about them but the truth is that we want to hear that they are down on their luck. What hypocrites we are.I told my friends that to believe in Christ is as easy as Abc......... but to live a Christian life is the most difficult road that one could ever follow. No wonder my friend, a Christian, says that the nicest people on earth are not Christians and Christians are not generally nice people. I concur with him

Thinking Out Loud

2005-04-28T12:03:00.000+08:00

Has been thinking for some time now that throughout my Christian life, I have heard my friends who were very committed to God and would spent long hours praying and worshipping God with all their hearts and minds that you would never guess that they would in the end become prodigal sons and daughters. When pressed for an answer, they would say that life has to move on and that we can''t get stuck in that stage forever and i was thinking that all their reasons sounds true and authentic but there is something lacking in their answers. I was sad that we were commanded to transform the world we are supposed to be live and yet many times i see the opposite happens that we are conformed to this world. When God did not answer our prayers or some disasters happen that shocked and terrify us, we quickly questioned the goodness of God and even come to the conclusion that God is dead, there is no God after all in this world or better still, there is a God but He is handicapped in some way. That brings me to question our theology which we have received from young and ask questions such as "What happened to the God who brough Israel from the Red Sea, who supplied Israel out of His goodness and mercy? You see, everybody has their own definition of who God is in his/her mind and when that god in their mind fails to perform to his required duty or function, we become disappointed and angry with God but the truth of the matter is that we cannot lock God in our minds for He is far greater and powerful than our minds can ever comprehend. I like the way Daniel''s three friends treated God in their mind in Daniel 2. They were in danger and their lives could be forfeited at anytime if they refused to bow down before Nebuchanezzar''s golden statue and their reply correctly show the attitude they have before God. The God, they served and believed would deliver them out of harm''s way and they added this one statement that made an impact out of my mind would ever know, that they would not bow down even if the God whom they serve did not rescue them (paraphrase mine). I was thinking that even at their deathbeds, they were holding their belief and faith in God so strongly that they would not forsake HIm and throughout the Bible, God delivered them out of harm''s way.I am not talking