Loss (1) | Wednesday, February 24, 2010
Yesterday, when I was in prayer meeting, I saw two young people expressing their love for God in their worship and I was moved by what I have seen. It caused me to reflect deep within myself and it reminded me that I too was like them in my youth, worshipping wholeheartedly, focusing only Him.
In my youth, I had cherished two deepest desires within my heart and I had been praying for them every single day for the next 10 years. 15 years later, they have come into fruition but not in the way that I have expected.
The first one was that I have always prayed that I would be found worthy to serve Him in the mission field and the process was long, tedious and sometimes it filled my heart with great anxiety especially when I felt that this particular door was closed to me. I applied to study in a seminary as soon as I was able to free myself from my father's expectations and when I have completed my National Service. There were times when my funds were running low to pay for my studies, for my food that I turned to the Lord and to my family for some financial assistance as my father would not pay for something he deemed as useless. It was exactly at these times that the Lord provided for all of my needs and I could only show my gratitude by remembering of all the good that the Lord has done for me.
When I have completed my theological studies, I thought to apply directly as a mission intern to my church and I thought that God would surely have prepared a place for me by this time. Alas, to my disappointment and discouragement, the mission pastor told me that there was no place for me in their mission field and that it would be better for me to seek a job elsewhere. To me, it was an utter bombshell as I thought that my long cherished dream of being able to serve God in a foreign land would come to fruition but it was not to be. I spent that year in utter dejection, many times crying out to God, whether I have heard Him clearly in His calling of me to be His servant to many nations.
However, God was and still is gracious to me that He opened a door for me in Kazakhstan. I was so happy and yet also frightened as I did not know where God was leading me at that time and I made many good friends and saw the grace, power and love of God in that country. I was powerfully moved when I saw many people praying for Central Asia, that they cried out to God with such a loud voice, groaning and praying with such a powerful force, that all they ever wanted was that God uses their nation to touch many people, many nations in the Central Asia for Him. I believe with all my heart, even now that God will touch the nation of Kazakhstan in a very powerful manner and I want to be there to witness His love, His power outpouring into this nation.
Yet, it was also this nation that has taught me about betrayal, mistrust as well as shaking my very foundations of the goodness of God. I felt myself to be so undeserving of the Grace of God, that no one could ever understand what I am feeling and why I am feeling in such a terrible way. My friends each have their opinion and that made me feel even more condemned and it leaves me wondering whether I am a strong Christian as I thought I was all along and it made me feel even more condemned, by my friends and most of all, by myself. It leads me to a point that I am willing to give up their friendship, and most of all, I want them to leave me alone, just leave me alone and I want that peace but it eluded me.
I tried to go out of the country, Malaysia by January, China by March, Cambodia by April as I tried to seek the peace and the direction of which way I should go. I felt like a zombie, no longer knowing where I shall go, no longer caring whether I have friends and that it was good to be alone, away from the pressures of my life, such as Kazakhstan, the church, family, cousins with all their woes and pressures.
To think about it, I had so much hope and expectations for Kazakhstan but now, it has become a pressure point for me that I am stressed to go back. What a joke! At first, I have so much hope for this land but now, it is just like a pleasant dream that I have awakened, that everything has gone like a wisp of smoke.
This has been something that I have been waiting for a long time only to end up in disappointment, discouragement but I still have a tiny hope that God will do something in this land.
I see this as a loss as part 1 and I will continue to write loss part 2 in another time as I have written long enough.
Created at 9:45 AM
|
|
Profile
Name: Joseph Chia
Age: 28
Friends
jerming
qiuyan
karin
Express
Jukebox
|
|