Tired so tired | Wednesday, December 02, 2009
It has almost been a year when the whole thing started but I am still feeling its aftereffects and its impact on me. When I went to my field, I was embittered and ashamed of myself and I was never happy there though there are a few highlights in this year like the China trip, the Singaporean team plus the Korean team.
However, when August arrived at the corner, I felt stressed continuously as it was the month when the whole thing started. I experienced nightmares on a regular basis and I was very easily irritated and sadness overwhelmed my heart. I grieved over the divorce of my cousin and her husband, I had no energy to work and I was no longer interested in anything that even when my Chinese fellowship group people ceased to come, I would make no effort to contact them. In fact, I knew not what I have done in this year except sadness, stress and rage within my heart.
It grew to be really bad that I no longer felt any joy in coming to Sunday services and Tuesday Prayer Meetings. My spirit was dying and I felt like dying everyday. It was my prayer that My Lord and My God would take me home, that I would not live on in this world. Even if I do not live in a mansion in the heavenly realms, even if I could only glimpse my Lord and my God, I would be contented and I only ask to be His gatekeeper, His sweeper if He would just take me home. I felt bitter continuously and I no longer has any joy and how I wanted to be able to cry but no tears would come and what is left is a gaping hole in my heart. That feeling was terrible to experience and I do not want to experience it again.
It grew to be so bad that my mentor in my field decided to send me back. I was really heartbroken because I felt like a football that was being kicked away, that I was not really contributing to anything here and so, I was being sent home. I understood her well-meaning intentions but I could not deny the negative feelings that I was feeling.
At that very point, I felt totally useless and I was so ashamed of myself as a worker for Him that I no longer dared to approach Him as a son when there was a time where I would fearlessly go before Him, making known of all my petitions and requests to Him. Now, I no longer dared to go before Him for I have failed Him, the One who I love the most, my very life and I have thought within myself, that I would not fail Him ever in my life. He deserves my very best but yet, I have failed Him.
I have never felt like a failure before for I always tried my best to make it happen. However, there is nothing for me to remedy, no course of action for me to repair except to come humbly before my Lord and say softly that I am sorry for the things I have done. However, I don't dare to face Him, nor would I ever stand proudly before Him again.
I was happy to come home to my family and friends and yet, that sense of shame has never left me and sometimes leave me trembling with grief and anger. At times, I even do not feel like attending prayer meetings and services and the struggle that I had within myself, to stop myself from disrupting the service and the rage I felt so much from within, caused me to feel so tired. When I knew I was about to meet my Lord, I turned away for I don't dare to see Him.
O what a wreck that I am now! I would never believe that I could sink to such a state and it made me wonder about my spiritual life. If I am as close to God as I like to believe myself to be, then I should be an over comer in spite of so many challenges that sought to oppress me but no, I was a failure, an utter deject in my eyes.
These were my thoughts nowadays and I could barely write more. I am so tired, so tired so tired.......
Created at 9:01 AM
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Name: Joseph Chia
Age: 28
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