Abraham on Mount Moriah | Wednesday, April 29, 2009
It has been so long since I have updated my blog and a lot of things have happened. It seems to me a snowball has been descending rapidly towards me, growing bigger and bigger towards me, until it enveloped me with its cold fingers, that I could no longer breath or cry for help or for any other matters. I felt such dismay, such pain that I felt that no one would ever understand. It came to the point that I felt that sharing this to my close relatives and friends would not help matters. My only refuge is my Father but there are many times that I feel, that the more I pray for these situations, the situations seem to be get worse with each passing day, that I felt a pain in my heart on every new day.
When I first came to Kazakhstan, I felt so much hope and wonders in my life. I felt like there were stars in my eyes and I could not wait to explore all the possibilities that God has given unto me. The new friends I have made, my long-cherished love and dream seemed to be ready to be awakened and that it would be a reality to me, my desires for Yvonne and Marianda to discover the reality of God seems to be realised and many others but now, all seemed to vanish into a puff of wind.
I am still griping over my personal failure and I felt as if I am on the Mount Moriah, giving all my hopes, dreams, desires upon that altar, with no hope that they will ever be returned to me. It was like if they are placed on that altar, it is gone forever, never to return and all that is left to me is a man with no hopes, no desires and nothing to look forward to. I wonder what that might have been like for Abraham.
Abraham has been waiting for 100 years for his promised son from God. God gave him many grand promises, that He would prosper him, that Abraham would be a father of many nations, and that God will give him a land of his own, that everyone who blesses Abraham will be blessed and whoever curses Abraham will be cursed. Abraham believed God and set out and he never once looked back in his youth. Now when he was old, he had nothing in his name except his riches. He did not even have the land to bury Sarah, his beloved wife, in a land that was supposed to be given to him. He did not even have many sons and the only promised son was about to be taken away from him, when God told him that He was to sacrifice Isaac on Mount Moriah. All that he has ever waited for and given by God, seems to be in that one moment to be taken away from him, his hope and his only desire.
How terribly painful that must have been, how terribly heartbreaking Abraham would have felt. I too felt as if my heart would break because of the many situations that I felt so hopeless that I myself did not even have the strength to pray. I only have two desires in my life and that is to serve Him to the best of my ability and the girl whom I love very much. However, in regards to these two desires, I felt so lacking as a worker and as a friend.
I felt that I was doing rather well as a servant of the Lord until the day, I have unwittingly mistrusted one of my brothers who have betrayed me. I still felt shame and berated myself for being so stupid, as to trust him. I have failed Him, my church and myself and I no longer dared to call myself as a servant of the Lord, because of what I have done. Yes, I may have done many good works but that one mistake has already cancelled of all that I can ever do and will ever do for Him. The pain and the shame that lingered with it seemed more than I could ever bear but God is still here.
As for the girl, there are so many hopes within me and to see that dying off slowly was very painful and the only emotion that I feel is only pain and heart break. I have failed her both in words and in actions that I no longer know what to do. I too failed as a friend and even though we may have some good time in Australia, still, I feel insecure and lost. Her words to me, I have always taken so personally and though there seemed to be more downs and ups, I still love her and always cherished her, believing that God is the One who has given her to me until at this moment, when I felt that God is asking me to put my dreams on Mount Moriah.
How I trembled when I heard that fateful words. How I felt that my heart would break into two. How I feared that my dreams will not become a reality and that it will be gone as a wind. Yes, I do know the end result for Abraham but nonetheless, it is still and always will be painful for Abraham and for me. I do pray that God's strength to be upon me and I pray that I will just commit it to the Lord for I no longer can do anything more.
Even if there is no more hope or no more back door, still I will put my trust in You and in You only. Hear my cry and my heart, I pray. Unto Your hands, I commit all that I am unto You.
Created at 5:59 PM
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Name: Joseph Chia
Age: 28
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