Does it matters? | Friday, January 16, 2009
After one year has gone and Year 2009 has arrived, I did an evaluation of my life for the past year and I could only wonder at the amazing things that God has done for me in the midst of my deepest disappointments, anger, resentments and the utter sense of being the failure in terms of a worker and in my personal matters. It was ironic that at the same time last year, that I was full of hopes, so eager to embark on a new ground, working with a new team in this country, relationship promising to blossom and everything was looking so rosy and so full of promises that I was looking forward for a great time of ministry and service to the One whom I will always love and adore.
However, a different picture awaited me in the field. I felt so utterly alone and all my hopes seemed to have vanished like a wind. The workers have all quit and the school closed down and I felt suddenly slapped with sudden reality. There was nothing for me to look forward to but to sell the property and to move to another city as soon as possible. I did not have any language nor do I have any close community with me. One brother who was disciplined by the Church last year came to me, seemingly showing fruits of repentance but inward full of desires that sought to consume me, came to me. He spoke passably English and he just wanted to be my friend, asking me for advice and taking care of me. Thus, my guard was lessened and I trusted him slowly but cautiously and at the end, I made a serious mistake which I would have to bear it for the rest of my life.
That brother wanted to buy the property and he asked me for the papers on the day I just reached home after a tiring 14 hours train ride. I was not suspicious but I passed him the papers but he went to do something with it, this making it difficult for me to sell the property. He knew that I have been praying for the smooth sale of property but he did things behind me and has betrayed my trust. In my entire life, I have never felt so much as a failure as I would on that day and still feeling. I have failed to be a faithful steward of the Church, losing the responsibility and the credibility before others and more importantly in my own eyes. At that point, everything seemed to stop and for two whole months, the pressure, the hurts, the murderous heart to kill that brother, the shame, the need to cry but can't overwhelmed my heart.
Even with such an overwhelming negative emotion, I did not and would not consider to change to another country to work for I believe that our Father would greatly bless this country but I fear that I would not see it with my own eyes. Does it matter after so many negative things that happened to me time and again? It matters and it hurts so much, emotions that I have never experienced, shame, disappointments and crushing disappointments. Then as if this is not enough, the tensions between my family members and the girl whom I loved, erupted almost on the same day, carved my heart open to wounds already inflicted. I was so tired and so weary that I have no more strength to absorb any more attacks.
At the end, I asked myself this question that does it matter to me after so many attacks, attacks that threaten to lay me low, in this country and back home? It matters and it hurts so much but can I let go of this pain? I want to but can't and no one will understand how I feel. it is not so easy to say let go and you can do it when I have been betrayed, found by myself as a man lacking credibility and failing as a steward and as a friend. All this happened in this year seemed to dash the hopes of a young man embarking on an adventure. Who can understand except Him alone? Who can comfort but Him alone? Why it have to be so painful? No one but Him alone can answer because He has gone through what I have gone through and even worse.
Thus, I choose to focus on the promises and the calling that He has placed upon my life. All other things should pale and must pale besides Him and I choose to forget what lies behind and focus forward on the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus. Should I have hope? yes because of who He is and so for this 2009, I pray that God will give me the strength to meet greater challengesthat this year will bring. Thank You for always being there for me and that is the reason why it keeps me going, more than anything else.
Created at 3:53 PM
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Name: Joseph Chia
Age: 28
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