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Feeling a sense of lost | Sunday, April 30, 2006


FEELING A SENSE OF LOST
It has never been my intentions to hurt the one whom I cherished very much in my life and yet, the end result was that due to my frustrations, anger, confusions, and all the other negative emotions, I ended up hurting her. Suddenly, the connection between us (if there ever was one) and I like to think there is, was suddenly strained and that really saddens me. In fact, when I was going out with her, I was already feeling very negative with myself in my heart and spirit, I was trying very hard to control my emotions so that i did not want to affect her but in the end, she ended up being very affected by me. For that I was and still am apologetic to her for this matter.
That brought me to reflect a bit deeply about my own behaviour in that why would I hurt someone whom I don't intend or even want to hurt and yet, she ended up being hurt by me. I could only think of one answer and that is self-centeredness. For others, that might not be their reason but for me, I think that is true enough. I was negative and all I could think of was my hurts, my resentments, my frustrations and my unhappiness and my concerns. In that sense, I was fully immersed in myself and my hurts and I thought that I would be happier going out with her and that she would be happy to see me and that in itself, would help me feel better about things. However, it did not turn out to be that way, and I was feeling a bit irrational and so, things did not turn out well. I believe firmly that I did not lash out at her, meaning in my conscious mind, I did not scold her, threw a tantrum, quarreling with her and stormed off and still, she felt hurt because she felt more deeply of the underlying tensions and the sight of my silent, black or even furious face would make her feel even more scared of me.
That incident made me sadder and even I myself felt appalled at my behaviour. I tried to come up excuses for my behaviour and all of them felt lacking in a fundamental way. I felt bad, I felt sad, I was remorse and yet, it did not help things for the fact was that I have grieved her and I have been trying to make amends for it but somehow, I didn't have the courage to do so. During this time, I felt within myself questioning myself that when I grieved the Holy Spirit, or make my Heavenly Father angry myself, I don't feel that sense of loss, remorse such as I felt towards her. I felt that should not be the case at all because if I cherished the person I love so very much in my life, all the more so should I cherish the Maker of my life, who looks over me, who takes care of me, who provides all my needs and yet, most of the time, I did not put Him first in my life. Without Christ, I am nothing and I cannot live without Him and yet, I treated Him shabbily and how I felt a sense of shame prickling at my heart as I was typing.
I love her and still do but for her, it would only be my words only without action. She might be right but for me, I knew deep within my heart and soul, I do love her and that I do not want to hurt her but I also know that would be impossible because if I can hurt the One who loved Me more than I can ever love myself and willingly gave up His life for me, to the extent that I would never love Him back, I would stone Him, spit at Him and curse Him, He still died for Me. O what indescribable love He has for me and that is more than I can ever say for myself of my love for Him and even the love I have for her. I can only pray that as I love Jesus more and more each day, that my love for Him will be reflected to my love for her and I hope is sufficient for her.
May my life be another extension of His story and I sincerely hope that I will glorify Your Name more and more each day.
Created at 3:47 PM

 
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