Thinking Deeply | Saturday, January 28, 2006
THINKING DEEPLY
It has been a long time since I have updated my blog. I have been thinking for some time about my other blog where I have said that if the girl I liked wanted me to change something in my life, I would see it as a sacrifice and not as a compromise. I have not bargained how hard it is to live out what I have written. Every point that she suggested to me that I have to change was very threatening to me for it takes away my comfort areas, the way I am used to lead and living my life, that there was a point in my life that I actually felt resentful, hurt and angry towards her that I never would have thought it would be possible.
I was resentful because I did not think that there are so many things for me to change, and I really think it is pride in me that felt it all so strongly. I did not want nor require her to change anything for me and yet, she wanted me to change and I know, really know that she wanted the best for me but it did not help to stem the rising resentment that I had towards her. I was very hurt also because I never thought that there are so many things in my life that was displeasing in her eyes. Hurt in the sense that she did not accept me the way just as I am, just as I have accepted her the way she is. I think maybe I am naive and did not really consider that we are very different in the ways we think, see things and perspectives and that's the way God has created everyone of us and that is why wives can help their husbands to better themselves and vice versus. I was angry because I felt that there was no need for me to change anything for I think I am basically a nice and outgoing person and that true, there are some characteristics that are rather unique to my friends or the term they probably will use is weird. I felt threatened because all of my comfort zones are being tore down and I felt really really unhappy about this until I went to reread my blog.
I read about the part about how willing I will change just to please the girl I liked and that I could never see it as a compromise but rather as a sacrifice. When I read that, I began to rethink carefully about my life and my wanting to start a relationship. I was thinking in the lines whether I will change for her for this short period only until I have the ultimate prize which I have longed for a very very long time and then I could live the way I liked and sort of take her for granted because I have already won the prize. That would hurt her even more and everything that I wanted to do is to love her and not hurt her and so, I think the purpose of why I wrote that is simply because I wanted to change to become the man that she could respect and love. It is a sacrifice and not a compromise and I have to keep reminding myself about that because I have given up all my rights and so what right do I have to feel resentful, hurt and angry towards her. God too is moulding and changing us when we really feel that there is really no need for us to change. We are good, we obey His commands and therefore, we do not need to be changed but God doesn't see the way we see, and He's transforming us into the person whom He has always viewed us from the beginning to the end; to be the man/woman after His own heart and maybe that is the reason why we will have new names when we are with Him. That is also a sacrifice and we joyfully await for His moulding because we know that in the end, we will be vessels of honor, fit for Him.
In the same way, I too believe that the things she wanted me to change is for my best and maybe, I too can become the man whom she can adore, respect, love and maybe, just maybe that she can trust in my leadership.
Created at 8:33 AM
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Name: Joseph Chia
Age: 28
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