Moving On | Monday, April 07, 2014
As I am sitting in my office, contemplating whether I should continue my blog or just let it lie down in archives, I realised that how much time has passed. It has been 7 years since I have continued my blog and I even wonder now who would take the time to read a middle-aged man's long long essay.
Time has passed like the blinking of an eye and I realised that I have changed so much that I could not even believe it. I have grown from an insecure man, always seeking for the approval of others to someone who has been unbelivably assertive to the point that I am curt and rude to others, serving the Lord.
I like someone for a very long time and I really thought within my heart, that I would love her till the end of my life. Even when my heart was so broken by my failure in Kazakhstan and by her razor words that cut my heart to the deep, I still love her and I would do my best to satisfy her every desire. Imagine my joy and my great happinese when she finally accepted me as her boyfriend by 2011 and it was the happiest year of my life. However, I was very insecure and was afraid that she would call it off at any moment, so I cherished our time together and would want to see her every moment of my life that I think, on hindsight stifled her
It hurts so much and it is hurting even now(though less intense) when she finally called it off. It took me a long while to get over it but there are times that I hope that we will reconcile back but to no avail.
As time passed, my heart seems to grow hot and cold towards her. Sometimes when she reciprocate back, I thought we would have a chance to get it back but then she quickly grew cold. When she felt fearful or in need of someone to pray, or she feels alone and when she calls me, I would be there for her but I think it is time for me to stop doing all these for her. It is not that I no longer love her or that I have grown aloof or moving on but I think it is time to stop all these because I do not think that my heart can withstand all the pain that she has given me.
She might know it or she might not but throughout 2001 to 2014, she has given me the lion share of my pain and torment and finally, I guess it is time to call it a stop
Created at 4:59 PM
Loss (1) | Wednesday, February 24, 2010
Yesterday, when I was in prayer meeting, I saw two young people expressing their love for God in their worship and I was moved by what I have seen. It caused me to reflect deep within myself and it reminded me that I too was like them in my youth, worshipping wholeheartedly, focusing only Him.
In my youth, I had cherished two deepest desires within my heart and I had been praying for them every single day for the next 10 years. 15 years later, they have come into fruition but not in the way that I have expected.
The first one was that I have always prayed that I would be found worthy to serve Him in the mission field and the process was long, tedious and sometimes it filled my heart with great anxiety especially when I felt that this particular door was closed to me. I applied to study in a seminary as soon as I was able to free myself from my father's expectations and when I have completed my National Service. There were times when my funds were running low to pay for my studies, for my food that I turned to the Lord and to my family for some financial assistance as my father would not pay for something he deemed as useless. It was exactly at these times that the Lord provided for all of my needs and I could only show my gratitude by remembering of all the good that the Lord has done for me.
When I have completed my theological studies, I thought to apply directly as a mission intern to my church and I thought that God would surely have prepared a place for me by this time. Alas, to my disappointment and discouragement, the mission pastor told me that there was no place for me in their mission field and that it would be better for me to seek a job elsewhere. To me, it was an utter bombshell as I thought that my long cherished dream of being able to serve God in a foreign land would come to fruition but it was not to be. I spent that year in utter dejection, many times crying out to God, whether I have heard Him clearly in His calling of me to be His servant to many nations.
However, God was and still is gracious to me that He opened a door for me in Kazakhstan. I was so happy and yet also frightened as I did not know where God was leading me at that time and I made many good friends and saw the grace, power and love of God in that country. I was powerfully moved when I saw many people praying for Central Asia, that they cried out to God with such a loud voice, groaning and praying with such a powerful force, that all they ever wanted was that God uses their nation to touch many people, many nations in the Central Asia for Him. I believe with all my heart, even now that God will touch the nation of Kazakhstan in a very powerful manner and I want to be there to witness His love, His power outpouring into this nation.
Yet, it was also this nation that has taught me about betrayal, mistrust as well as shaking my very foundations of the goodness of God. I felt myself to be so undeserving of the Grace of God, that no one could ever understand what I am feeling and why I am feeling in such a terrible way. My friends each have their opinion and that made me feel even more condemned and it leaves me wondering whether I am a strong Christian as I thought I was all along and it made me feel even more condemned, by my friends and most of all, by myself. It leads me to a point that I am willing to give up their friendship, and most of all, I want them to leave me alone, just leave me alone and I want that peace but it eluded me.
I tried to go out of the country, Malaysia by January, China by March, Cambodia by April as I tried to seek the peace and the direction of which way I should go. I felt like a zombie, no longer knowing where I shall go, no longer caring whether I have friends and that it was good to be alone, away from the pressures of my life, such as Kazakhstan, the church, family, cousins with all their woes and pressures.
To think about it, I had so much hope and expectations for Kazakhstan but now, it has become a pressure point for me that I am stressed to go back. What a joke! At first, I have so much hope for this land but now, it is just like a pleasant dream that I have awakened, that everything has gone like a wisp of smoke.
This has been something that I have been waiting for a long time only to end up in disappointment, discouragement but I still have a tiny hope that God will do something in this land.
I see this as a loss as part 1 and I will continue to write loss part 2 in another time as I have written long enough.
Created at 9:45 AM
Tired so tired | Wednesday, December 02, 2009
It has almost been a year when the whole thing started but I am still feeling its aftereffects and its impact on me. When I went to my field, I was embittered and ashamed of myself and I was never happy there though there are a few highlights in this year like the China trip, the Singaporean team plus the Korean team.
However, when August arrived at the corner, I felt stressed continuously as it was the month when the whole thing started. I experienced nightmares on a regular basis and I was very easily irritated and sadness overwhelmed my heart. I grieved over the divorce of my cousin and her husband, I had no energy to work and I was no longer interested in anything that even when my Chinese fellowship group people ceased to come, I would make no effort to contact them. In fact, I knew not what I have done in this year except sadness, stress and rage within my heart.
It grew to be really bad that I no longer felt any joy in coming to Sunday services and Tuesday Prayer Meetings. My spirit was dying and I felt like dying everyday. It was my prayer that My Lord and My God would take me home, that I would not live on in this world. Even if I do not live in a mansion in the heavenly realms, even if I could only glimpse my Lord and my God, I would be contented and I only ask to be His gatekeeper, His sweeper if He would just take me home. I felt bitter continuously and I no longer has any joy and how I wanted to be able to cry but no tears would come and what is left is a gaping hole in my heart. That feeling was terrible to experience and I do not want to experience it again.
It grew to be so bad that my mentor in my field decided to send me back. I was really heartbroken because I felt like a football that was being kicked away, that I was not really contributing to anything here and so, I was being sent home. I understood her well-meaning intentions but I could not deny the negative feelings that I was feeling.
At that very point, I felt totally useless and I was so ashamed of myself as a worker for Him that I no longer dared to approach Him as a son when there was a time where I would fearlessly go before Him, making known of all my petitions and requests to Him. Now, I no longer dared to go before Him for I have failed Him, the One who I love the most, my very life and I have thought within myself, that I would not fail Him ever in my life. He deserves my very best but yet, I have failed Him.
I have never felt like a failure before for I always tried my best to make it happen. However, there is nothing for me to remedy, no course of action for me to repair except to come humbly before my Lord and say softly that I am sorry for the things I have done. However, I don't dare to face Him, nor would I ever stand proudly before Him again.
I was happy to come home to my family and friends and yet, that sense of shame has never left me and sometimes leave me trembling with grief and anger. At times, I even do not feel like attending prayer meetings and services and the struggle that I had within myself, to stop myself from disrupting the service and the rage I felt so much from within, caused me to feel so tired. When I knew I was about to meet my Lord, I turned away for I don't dare to see Him.
O what a wreck that I am now! I would never believe that I could sink to such a state and it made me wonder about my spiritual life. If I am as close to God as I like to believe myself to be, then I should be an over comer in spite of so many challenges that sought to oppress me but no, I was a failure, an utter deject in my eyes.
These were my thoughts nowadays and I could barely write more. I am so tired, so tired so tired.......
Created at 9:01 AM
Grace is enough | Thursday, June 11, 2009
I can boast to many works
Done out of insecurity?
And credit many conversations
to my immaturity
And while I'm misunderstood
You are understanding me
And showing me how grace is enough
For everything that I've done right
seems like a thousand I've done wrong
and I keep on losing count
of all the times my flesh has won
And when the light of Christ that's in me
is overshadowed by the fall
You're showing me how grace is enough
When I feel unworthy
And so undeserving?
Still I can come just as I am
For I find Your love is free of condition
So I will run to Your wide open arms
When I am accepted and I am forgiven
Grace is enough for me
Your grace is enough for me
I've been quick at passing judgments
when I'm worthy of convictions
And at times I've measured virtue
only based on my religion
But theology it seems is not the thing that's saving me
You are showing me a grace that's enough
Though I was blind now I see
Sweet is the sound of Your grace over me
You said it all on the cross
Your grace goes beyond all that I've done
When I feel unworthy and so undeserving
You love me beyond all my failing and hurting
It's not who I am
But who I can be
And I know You are worthy
Your purpose in me
by Don Moen
When I heard this song for the first time, it strangely moved my heart for I identified myself with the lyrics. This is the first time ever in my lie that I feel that the Lord, my Father was telling me that His grace is enough for me.
In the past, not so long ago, I was telling God that Lord I want to see Your power at work in this mission field where I am right now. I also want to see a new work in my life, my relationship and my ministry from You. I can see Your grace at work in my life but I want something more than just Your grace. I want to see Your power, Your miracles, Your glory unfolding in this place and I believe that there is something more than this and I want all of them not just only Your grace unfolding in my life and in this place even right now.
In my secret heart, I am longing for His approval in the things that I am doing here and after what I have done in Shymkent so foolishly, I longed for His approval even more. I felt I was unworthy to serve Him and I have condemned myself so many times for that fateful mistake. I could not forgive myself and neither do I have the strength nor the desire in my heart to forgive him.
As a result, two people told me that they felt that I was striving for approval, that I just went along with the decision made by others and that I myself did not have any opinions about it. One told me that from young till now, I was not given a chance to make my own decisions or that my decisions were often ridiculed by others. That was probably why I shyed from making decisions at all, for fear of making a mistake and bearing responsibility of that decision. The other told me that she could see two Josephs in me, that there is a Joseph, who is very confident, who has the desire to serve God and others, who is wise and secure in his being, the man that God has made him to be. The other Joseph was very insecure in himself, and he was always looking for approval and he did the things that others have tasked him, just because he was looking for affirmation. He did not know his own identity and that he was already approved by God and that God loves him very much and that He has already affirmed him.
Thus the advice that this sister gave me was to control the small Joseph and let the big Joseph rise up to take the mantle that God has already given him. Then this song hits me so powerfully that God's grace is more than enough for me, that I should not live for the peoples' approval and their expectations. God has already approved me and that I should live to be the man that God has already intended for me and He has started working that out in me. I cannot be the man that others wanted and expected me to be but I will be the man that God has intended in me. They will not determine the changes in me but God should be the only one who determines that in me.
Thus, this song moves my heart so strongly, that whatever mistakes I may make and I will bear these consequences, but God's grace is more than enough for me and He will never rejects nor forsake me even when I make grievous mistakes. Then how could I not want to live a pleasing life for Him who loves me so much? Therefore I thank you my Lord and my God for loving me.
Created at 9:51 PM
Abraham on Mount Moriah | Wednesday, April 29, 2009
It has been so long since I have updated my blog and a lot of things have happened. It seems to me a snowball has been descending rapidly towards me, growing bigger and bigger towards me, until it enveloped me with its cold fingers, that I could no longer breath or cry for help or for any other matters. I felt such dismay, such pain that I felt that no one would ever understand. It came to the point that I felt that sharing this to my close relatives and friends would not help matters. My only refuge is my Father but there are many times that I feel, that the more I pray for these situations, the situations seem to be get worse with each passing day, that I felt a pain in my heart on every new day.
When I first came to Kazakhstan, I felt so much hope and wonders in my life. I felt like there were stars in my eyes and I could not wait to explore all the possibilities that God has given unto me. The new friends I have made, my long-cherished love and dream seemed to be ready to be awakened and that it would be a reality to me, my desires for Yvonne and Marianda to discover the reality of God seems to be realised and many others but now, all seemed to vanish into a puff of wind.
I am still griping over my personal failure and I felt as if I am on the Mount Moriah, giving all my hopes, dreams, desires upon that altar, with no hope that they will ever be returned to me. It was like if they are placed on that altar, it is gone forever, never to return and all that is left to me is a man with no hopes, no desires and nothing to look forward to. I wonder what that might have been like for Abraham.
Abraham has been waiting for 100 years for his promised son from God. God gave him many grand promises, that He would prosper him, that Abraham would be a father of many nations, and that God will give him a land of his own, that everyone who blesses Abraham will be blessed and whoever curses Abraham will be cursed. Abraham believed God and set out and he never once looked back in his youth. Now when he was old, he had nothing in his name except his riches. He did not even have the land to bury Sarah, his beloved wife, in a land that was supposed to be given to him. He did not even have many sons and the only promised son was about to be taken away from him, when God told him that He was to sacrifice Isaac on Mount Moriah. All that he has ever waited for and given by God, seems to be in that one moment to be taken away from him, his hope and his only desire.
How terribly painful that must have been, how terribly heartbreaking Abraham would have felt. I too felt as if my heart would break because of the many situations that I felt so hopeless that I myself did not even have the strength to pray. I only have two desires in my life and that is to serve Him to the best of my ability and the girl whom I love very much. However, in regards to these two desires, I felt so lacking as a worker and as a friend.
I felt that I was doing rather well as a servant of the Lord until the day, I have unwittingly mistrusted one of my brothers who have betrayed me. I still felt shame and berated myself for being so stupid, as to trust him. I have failed Him, my church and myself and I no longer dared to call myself as a servant of the Lord, because of what I have done. Yes, I may have done many good works but that one mistake has already cancelled of all that I can ever do and will ever do for Him. The pain and the shame that lingered with it seemed more than I could ever bear but God is still here.
As for the girl, there are so many hopes within me and to see that dying off slowly was very painful and the only emotion that I feel is only pain and heart break. I have failed her both in words and in actions that I no longer know what to do. I too failed as a friend and even though we may have some good time in Australia, still, I feel insecure and lost. Her words to me, I have always taken so personally and though there seemed to be more downs and ups, I still love her and always cherished her, believing that God is the One who has given her to me until at this moment, when I felt that God is asking me to put my dreams on Mount Moriah.
How I trembled when I heard that fateful words. How I felt that my heart would break into two. How I feared that my dreams will not become a reality and that it will be gone as a wind. Yes, I do know the end result for Abraham but nonetheless, it is still and always will be painful for Abraham and for me. I do pray that God's strength to be upon me and I pray that I will just commit it to the Lord for I no longer can do anything more.
Even if there is no more hope or no more back door, still I will put my trust in You and in You only. Hear my cry and my heart, I pray. Unto Your hands, I commit all that I am unto You.
Created at 5:59 PM
Does it matters? | Friday, January 16, 2009
After one year has gone and Year 2009 has arrived, I did an evaluation of my life for the past year and I could only wonder at the amazing things that God has done for me in the midst of my deepest disappointments, anger, resentments and the utter sense of being the failure in terms of a worker and in my personal matters. It was ironic that at the same time last year, that I was full of hopes, so eager to embark on a new ground, working with a new team in this country, relationship promising to blossom and everything was looking so rosy and so full of promises that I was looking forward for a great time of ministry and service to the One whom I will always love and adore.
However, a different picture awaited me in the field. I felt so utterly alone and all my hopes seemed to have vanished like a wind. The workers have all quit and the school closed down and I felt suddenly slapped with sudden reality. There was nothing for me to look forward to but to sell the property and to move to another city as soon as possible. I did not have any language nor do I have any close community with me. One brother who was disciplined by the Church last year came to me, seemingly showing fruits of repentance but inward full of desires that sought to consume me, came to me. He spoke passably English and he just wanted to be my friend, asking me for advice and taking care of me. Thus, my guard was lessened and I trusted him slowly but cautiously and at the end, I made a serious mistake which I would have to bear it for the rest of my life.
That brother wanted to buy the property and he asked me for the papers on the day I just reached home after a tiring 14 hours train ride. I was not suspicious but I passed him the papers but he went to do something with it, this making it difficult for me to sell the property. He knew that I have been praying for the smooth sale of property but he did things behind me and has betrayed my trust. In my entire life, I have never felt so much as a failure as I would on that day and still feeling. I have failed to be a faithful steward of the Church, losing the responsibility and the credibility before others and more importantly in my own eyes. At that point, everything seemed to stop and for two whole months, the pressure, the hurts, the murderous heart to kill that brother, the shame, the need to cry but can't overwhelmed my heart.
Even with such an overwhelming negative emotion, I did not and would not consider to change to another country to work for I believe that our Father would greatly bless this country but I fear that I would not see it with my own eyes. Does it matter after so many negative things that happened to me time and again? It matters and it hurts so much, emotions that I have never experienced, shame, disappointments and crushing disappointments. Then as if this is not enough, the tensions between my family members and the girl whom I loved, erupted almost on the same day, carved my heart open to wounds already inflicted. I was so tired and so weary that I have no more strength to absorb any more attacks.
At the end, I asked myself this question that does it matter to me after so many attacks, attacks that threaten to lay me low, in this country and back home? It matters and it hurts so much but can I let go of this pain? I want to but can't and no one will understand how I feel. it is not so easy to say let go and you can do it when I have been betrayed, found by myself as a man lacking credibility and failing as a steward and as a friend. All this happened in this year seemed to dash the hopes of a young man embarking on an adventure. Who can understand except Him alone? Who can comfort but Him alone? Why it have to be so painful? No one but Him alone can answer because He has gone through what I have gone through and even worse.
Thus, I choose to focus on the promises and the calling that He has placed upon my life. All other things should pale and must pale besides Him and I choose to forget what lies behind and focus forward on the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus. Should I have hope? yes because of who He is and so for this 2009, I pray that God will give me the strength to meet greater challengesthat this year will bring. Thank You for always being there for me and that is the reason why it keeps me going, more than anything else.
Created at 3:53 PM
New Doors, New Opportunities, New Challenges | Wednesday, October 15, 2008
Ever since arriving to a new city and a new environment, working with a foreign countryman, starting school all over again, learning language and ministry, can make one feel really fulfilled and tired. There are so many thoughts in my mind that I do not know where to start but I shall do my best because I want to give all glory to My Father who art in Heaven for he deserves my thanks and my life.
I have started school since September and on the whole, school was pretty good and I have made some new friends who came mainly from China. They seemed amazed at my ability to speak two different languages and they are very curious about Singapore. Thus, I shared about my life to them and we spent quite an enjoyable time together. There was also a Japanese man who was able to speak English relatively well and the funny thing was that we did not talk to each other in English but Russian as we want to brush up on our new language skills. Thus we practise our language with one another whenever we met up during the breaks.
Our Father has also opened new doors of opportunity for me to share about Him to them. Some of the students wanted to study in the Economic Faculty of the local University and they have asked me to teach them English as English is one of the important subject to be studied in that university. I agreed and I used the Word as my text. To my joy, one Chinese girl enjoyed reading the Word and she asked really perceptive questions and that she can see her language improving by leaps and bounds. What made me really joyful was that she thirsted to know our Father and there are many opportunities to share with her the Good News and that she was really touched by the love of our Father that He has for her.
I asked her about the value of her life and who gave her that value and she does not know. I told her rather firmly that our value do not derive from anyone and certainly not from ourselves but from Our Father who value us so much that He actually gave His Son to die for us. As we were talking, she wept and felt really touched for she felt that throughout her life, no on has ever loved her, has properly shown concern for her and that she thought her parents do not even love her because when she told them she was going to this country to study for her degree, she thought that her parents would at least dissuade her from going. In fact they did nothing and she felt rather hurt and she left for this country.
Upon coming here, she felt very loved by a stranger who treated her so well and that pushed her to want to know the reason for this love of hers. They shared a different language and none can speak each other's native language but to this little Chinese girl, she felt the love of the other to be so heart-warming and so genuine and she was deeply touched by it. Then she got to know me who is able to speak her native language and I was able to pinpoint her to our Father and she wants to know Him in her own way and she comes to realise that her parents actually loves her very much. Now she has finished the whole Gospel of Matthew and she is now starting the Gospel of Mark and she was very interested to know more.
Thus it was my joy and pleasure to follow up on her. Then our Father gave me another one in my lap and this time, also a Chinese male. He expressed his desire to visit a fellowship and I brought him to mine. He enjoyed it very much and he too in his turn, wanted to learn English from me. Just as I have done with the Chinese girl, I did to him and he seems to enjoy his lessons as well. His Russian was pretty good and he enjoys the worship songs and he always sing at the loudest of his voice though he has not committed his life to our Father and the Son. I marvelled at the love of our Father that He has shown towards these Chinese and to me and I pray that I will prove to be a faithful steward of what He has given me.
The new challenges that await me naturally is my Russian Language and that I will want to master it well so as to communicate with the locals. I pray that as there is a great influx of chinese students, whomever our Father has brought to me, I pray that I will be faithful in accomplishing the work which God has given me. It is truly exciting to be working for the family business, which is what I always wanted and I feel really blessed. I pray that you too will be blessed in doing what you desired.
Created at 3:49 PM
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